Living with a WAW

[BL42]

DW17,

"Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Sounds like you know what you did wrong - you just have to work on your mental game for the future.

This morning I was getting ready for work and W commented that I looked nice and asked if I was trying to impress a girl. I smirked and did not respond.

The smirk and no response was perfect.

She then said that I owe it to her to let her know if I’m talking with anyone because I called her out for texting AP in the car with the kids one day about 6 weeks ago and used his name.

You don't owe her anything. She is cheating on you and wants to break up your marriage. Unless she ends her affair and recommits to her husband, you don't give her anything - stay strong.

I asked how those two things were related (first mistake, should have walked away).

This is where you started to falter. Don't get into a logical argument about anything. It's not a game you'll win because she's all emotion. It's not an Oxford debate team match.

I walked away, was about to leave for work,

Yes...

and couldn’t help but respond.

No! You could've helped yourself from responding, but you choose not to. Be stronger and more aware next time.

I walked back and said something along the lines of “you can do whatever you want, but texting your “friend” all day long every day, even while lying next to me in bed, is completely disrespectful.”

You're absolutely right - that is disrespectful. But what are you going to do about it? Complaining about disrespect or broken boundaries with no actions is weak.

I also said something about how the one thing I asked of her (when I was in the begging stage) was to let me know if there is anyone else because I couldn’t handle going through her cheating on me again.

You asked her to let you know if she was cheating? This sounds super weak. Stand up for yourself.

W: You have lost your mind, do not ever come at me like that again. You legit triggered a panic attack and I haven’t done anything wrong! It has been clear that we are still here for the kids and you say one thing one day then come at me like this another day! I literally can’t handle the mental abuse anymore. Pinning me into a corner and demanding information out of me is not the way to go.

You better be very careful about these exchanges. She's accusing you in written format about "come at me", "panic attack", "pinning me into a corner"...you wouldn't be the first to get tagged with a BS domestic abuse charge. Don't brush this off. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but you never know. You should consider starting to audio or video record interactions. Learn the laws in your state about recordings. Some are two party consent, others are one party consent.

I literally can’t handle the mental abuse anymore.

Don't buy into the "mental abuse" claim. LH is right...she's gaslighting you! She is cheating on you. Instead of blaming herself and recognizing her poor behaviors she's projecting it all onto you. SHE can't be responsible for her guilt and pain, so you are. Don't let her convince yourself you're a monster.

W: Nope, not it’s time to let everyone know who you really are.

Sounds like a very specific threat - prep yourself for things to get ugly. She'll tell her family and friends what a monster you are to justify her actions. Make sure you don't buy into it.

This is not your house, it is mine as well…the bed, the couches, everything. If you would like I can make things more difficult for our children and go stay with (girl friend who lives 30 minutes away) if that is easier

Honestly? That sounds ideal. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Let her do the moving. That may be in your best interest at this point.

but as far as owing you any explanations of anything in my life other than my children, do not communicate with me.

I agree with her there - honor her wishes and do not engage with her unless it's about the kids. Also, consult with one or more Ls ASAP.

You have just lost me 100% friend and all.

She is your W. You don't want her as a friend.

Thank you for making me late for work.

Obviously you did not "make her" be late for work.

I did not respond to this.

Her staying at her friend’s house was something she was planning on doing early on. I was actually happy she brought it up again.

Yes. If she voluntarily leaves the house on her own, that's ideal. Consult an L ASAP! Make sure you're ready to act if needed around the house and kid.

I think it is the best situation as long as she doesn’t bring D4.

Dpon't let her move anywhere with D4. Consult an L. A judge would likely keep the status quo with kid in the house, temprorarily at least.

That seems like the best solution, having W go there.

Yep.

You are being gaslighted by a woman who if I am reading this correctly is cheating now and has cheated in the past. I think at this point for your sanity it is best that she goes to your friend's house to give you some space.

LH is 100% right. Don't allow her gaslighting to break you mentally. SHE is the one cheating and doing wrong. Time to not engage anymore, and prep yourself for the next round.