Living with a WAW

[BL42]

DW17,

Apologies to Kind18, I know I'm supposed be posting about my GAL, but it's been a rough day and I guess I just found the need to vent here.

No need to apologize. It's perfectly normal to spin in these situations, wonder about W, and come here to vent or ask for advice about W. Our point is the more you can focus on yourself and GAL, the better for your own progress. But don't feel like you can't post about W when you need to.

It's 430 on Sunday here, and I probably only got 2 hours of sleep.

This is normal. I wasn't getting much sleep after BD and during IHS either. Working out helps. Also talking to a doctor about temporary medicine if needed. It'll pass over time and you'll sleep better in the future.

The past few days I've been having a hard time shaking wanting to know what's going on with W, like where she is, is she actually staying late at work, is she with AP, etc. I did well for a week, but I feel that need-to-know creeping back.

Understandable. It'll come in waves. The more you can focus on work, kids, your GAl activities the less time you'll have to focus on W.

I've known these friends for a long time and can't imagine coming into someone's house knowing about a possible A and just acting like nothing is wrong. If there is an A, it's like being cheated on by W in addition to people who I consider my friends. Have others dealt with situations where W's friends knew what was going on and kept you in the dark still? I'm sure most do, so how did you handle that?

That's tough. It's a bad feeling to know people who you thought were friends not caring about W's actions. Many people will either not care - just "staying neutral" - or even take her side. The one thing about D is you'll learn who your true friends are. I knew right away about now-ExW's affair, before her/our friends and family, so I never had any of them hiding it from me though.

Toward the end of the party, W was texting AP and the friend she goes drinking with every weekend for about an hour straight and basically ignoring the remaining people at the party.

My ExW would text OM1 in the same room as me, in m y son's room while she "put him to bed"...even left S's 5th birthday party early to talk to him. It's so difficult when you're going through it, but you'll be alright in time and realize how awful her actions are and never want that again.

D18's BF even commented to D18 about it.

Yeah...it's a lot more obvious than the WS realizes.

The minute W's last friend left the house, she went to the bedroom and said she was getting ready to go out. I knew she was going to, despite the fact that it was her daughter's 18th bday but it still shocked me. D18 ended up guilting her into staying because she didn't get to spend much time with her on her bday or at her party. W reluctantly stayed home, sat on the couch texting for 2 hours, then went to sleep.

This is so familiar...texting in front of people, talking in other rooms, being upset or depressed when they're "held back" from meeting up with AP...even if it's their kids' birthday.

Watching her relationship with her kids slowly deteriorate is heartbreaking.

It's not your job to foster her relationship with her kids, but also prep yourself for your kids to still love their mom. As hard as it is, W is betraying you but your kids are still going to have a relationship with their mother - it's not fair to expect otherwise.

W still texts AP non-stop in front of me, still sleeps with her phone, still wanders outside to have phone calls with a girl friend, etc. I got good at laughing it off, but it's getting harder each day.

IHS is extremely difficult.

One more thing I've been thinking about. Neither of our families know what's going on except for my sister. With more birthdays and holidays coming up, it will be impossible to keep them in the dark much longer. I know W will not be at any of my family's events and the family BBQ she missed last month led to awkward questions the whole day. I haven't told my family because I don't want my mom to know. She won't be able to resist reaching out to W, and it will likely be in a negative way. W has had a rocky relationship with my family, especially my mom, and I don't want her ruining any of the work I've been doing with avoiding negative situations. I'll let W figure out when to let her family know. She will avoid it as long as possible, since they all love me and will likely try and talk sense into her, which is the last thing she wants. Is there an appropriate time/way to basically announce to the world that you are separated but living together? And do I just avoid specifics with my family and just say "We are working through some issues" or something along those lines?

Not sure what to advise you here - some will recommend "working through some issues" approach and not sharing details, others will say tell key people to bust the affair. I know what I wish I would've done now in my own sitch knowing what the outcome ended up being...but hindsight is 20/20 and your situation is not mine.