Just wanted to say I give you a lot of credit for coming her to share your situation, solicit feedback, and improve on yourself and your relationships. It's not easy to hear what people are tell us sometimes, so the fact you're still here and open to it and not ducking the punches is a big positive.
My advice is to work on listening/empathy, strive for the 6 months of selfless love actions suggested without expectations of transactional benefits, and continue working on yourself over that time...see if that helps your situation.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Wolf, it's been six days. What have you done to fill her love bank? This week I brought a lady I'm exclusive with a bouquet of flowers ($7) and I ordered her food when she was too busy to eat lunch ($15). Two deposits in one week and she said I'm the most thoughtful guy she's ever dated. It doesn't take many consistent, small acts to woo someone. I wasn't in a hole and you are, so hopefully you've completed at least one loving act. If you haven't yet, act today!
A lot of great comments and suggestions, thank you. I will try to answer some of the questions and/or address some of the comments. Some of you talked about the therapist issue. What I would like is some guidance from a therapist. For example try x,y, and z and see how that works or how that would make me feel. There was no guidance to the ones I went to, just listening and asking more questions. I am the type when I am struggling or having a hard time with something I want guidance or direction. In the last 4 years, between my divorce and and new relationship I am lost and need guidance. I like to hear other peoples opinions or suggestions. I realize I am making mistakes and have things to improve, I just didn't know how to go about it. This forum has given me so much more advice and suggestions. It gets me to see these things from a different perspective. The therapist that my gf and I are seeing is great. She tells what is going on, why we behave a certain way according to her observations and offers suggestions. One suggestion she recommended we have implemented and is starting to help us. Thats what I need and what we need in our relationship at this time. She gives us things we can try and "homework". IN therapy she did say how much I help her with everything lately and how that is helping her feel loved. We went out on a date night 2 nights ago and it was great. GF was feeling stressed (she is getting a new degree and taking classes online) feeling the crunch between school work, house work and the baby. She was hesitant about doing the date night because she has so much school work to do. Therapist told her this is something she needs to do, how breaks from a busy life and removing your self is good for a person's mental health. She also said whether we go on our date or not, the school work will still be there, so why not go and give yourself a break and it also helps us connect. That really eased her anxiety and stress of the school work and we went. Had a great time.
I have been going nonstop trying to help her. I have been cleaning non stop. I say this because, when I get home from work, the home is a disaster. Stuff everywhere, sink is full, baby dishes not cleaned, dishwasher still full, food all over the counters. So, as soon as i get home I empty the dishwasher, load the dirty dishes, clean the baby dishes, put things away, clean up the food on the counter, then take the baby so she has time to do her work. I will feed the baby dinner later on. Cook dinner or buy dinner and clean up afterward. Yet she told me yesterday, she needs more help. i asked her how else can I help, she said she just needs more time to do her school work. I aksed how can I give you more time? She replied she just needs more time. My opinion she needs to figure out how to manage with the baby. I am literally doiong everything in my power to help her. Yet she tells me she needs more help. She told the therapist on wednesday I help her so much, but then tells me I need to give her more time. This past weekend I took the baby out for 3 hours, this way she had peace and quiet. Right now I feel like its not enough. Any suggestions how to approach this?
Just giving you all a time line of yesterday. woke up at 4:30am and went to the gym, after gym went to to work. After work got home at 3pm. Started cooking for dinner (bbq), finished cooking at 3:45. Took baby to play so she would have time to do school work. Was with baby till 5:15 had to go back to work. I did not even eat dinner. Was at work till 8:45 got home at 9:30. Warmed up food ate dinner and then went to bed at 10:30. Again, I was up at 4:30 am again this morning. I get a text this morning from gf while I was at work, that she was disappointed that she came downstairs to mess, that I could have put the clean dishes away this morning. I am not a machine, I don't know how much more. The mornings are a time crunch, going to the gym and getting ready for work in the morning. I understand she feels overwhelmed and stressed, I am trying the best I can I just feel like it is not enough for her. Thanks everyone
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
A lot of great comments and suggestions, thank you. I will try to answer some of the questions and/or address some of the comments. Some of you talked about the therapist issue. What I would like is some guidance from a therapist. For example try x,y, and z and see how that works or how that would make me feel. There was no guidance to the ones I went to, just listening and asking more questions. I am the type when I am struggling or having a hard time with something I want guidance or direction. In the last 4 years, between my divorce and and new relationship I am lost and need guidance. I like to hear other peoples opinions or suggestions. I realize I am making mistakes and have things to improve, I just didn't know how to go about it. This forum has given me so much more advice and suggestions. It gets me to see these things from a different perspective. The therapist that my gf and I are seeing is great. She tells what is going on, why we behave a certain way according to her observations and offers suggestions. One suggestion she recommended we have implemented and is starting to help us. Thats what I need and what we need in our relationship at this time. She gives us things we can try and "homework". IN therapy she did say how much I help her with everything lately and how that is helping her feel loved. We went out on a date night 2 nights ago and it was great. GF was feeling stressed (she is getting a new degree and taking classes online) feeling the crunch between school work, house work and the baby. She was hesitant about doing the date night because she has so much school work to do. Therapist told her this is something she needs to do, how breaks from a busy life and removing your self is good for a person's mental health. She also said whether we go on our date or not, the school work will still be there, so why not go and give yourself a break and it also helps us connect. That really eased her anxiety and stress of the school work and we went. Had a great time.
I have been going nonstop trying to help her. I have been cleaning non stop. I say this because, when I get home from work, the home is a disaster. Stuff everywhere, sink is full, baby dishes not cleaned, dishwasher still full, food all over the counters. So, as soon as i get home I empty the dishwasher, load the dirty dishes, clean the baby dishes, put things away, clean up the food on the counter, then take the baby so she has time to do her work. I will feed the baby dinner later on. Cook dinner or buy dinner and clean up afterward. Yet she told me yesterday, she needs more help. i asked her how else can I help, she said she just needs more time to do her school work. I aksed how can I give you more time? She replied she just needs more time. My opinion she needs to figure out how to manage with the baby. I am literally doiong everything in my power to help her. Yet she tells me she needs more help. She told the therapist on wednesday I help her so much, but then tells me I need to give her more time. This past weekend I took the baby out for 3 hours, this way she had peace and quiet. Right now I feel like its not enough. Any suggestions how to approach this?
Just giving you all a time line of yesterday. woke up at 4:30am and went to the gym, after gym went to to work. After work got home at 3pm. Started cooking for dinner (bbq), finished cooking at 3:45. Took baby to play so she would have time to do school work. Was with baby till 5:15 had to go back to work. I did not even eat dinner. Was at work till 8:45 got home at 9:30. Warmed up food ate dinner and then went to bed at 10:30. Again, I was up at 4:30 am again this morning. I get a text this morning from gf while I was at work, that she was disappointed that she came downstairs to mess, that I could have put the clean dishes away this morning. I am not a machine, I don't know how much more. The mornings are a time crunch, going to the gym and getting ready for work in the morning. I understand she feels overwhelmed and stressed, I am trying the best I can I just feel like it is not enough for her. Thanks everyone
So Wolf you are the only one who really knows if it's a time management issue or her expectations are out of whack. If you are truly giving your best that is all you can do. Remember that this is only temporary until she is done with School. Remember that love is selfless and kind. Props to you I certainly couldn't do the baby thing at this point in my life.
We went out on a date night 2 nights ago and it was great.
That's great you took her on a date. Encore! Encore! This is the kind of thing that if you keep doing it consistently could have a majorly positive impact on your relationship. Props for taking that step.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
There was no guidance to the ones I went to, just listening and asking more questions. I am the type when I am struggling or having a hard time with something I want guidance or direction
You can ask for this when hiring therapists. A behavioral therapist won't focus on why you smoke or drink, they'll focus on homework to get you to stop. A talk therapist would focus on the depression causing you to indulge in self-destructive behaviors. Some therapists do both simultaneously. You can ask what methods a therapist can offer and register your preference when hiring them. "Hi Therapist, I right-fight, and while I'd like to talk about why and address the underlying issue, I'd definitely like some immediate behavioral feedback to improve my relationships. Do you do behavioral therapy?" If you get halfway through the session and haven't gotten any behavioral guidance or homework, "When do we get to the behavioral guidance or homework?" When you're ready for individual therapy to resolve that, it's there waiting for you.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
GF was feeling stressed (she is getting a new degree and taking classes online) feeling the crunch between school work, house work and the baby. She was hesitant about doing the date night because she has so much school work to do. Therapist told her this is something she needs to do.
She told the therapist on wednesday I help her so much, but then tells me I need to give her more time. Any suggestions how to approach this?
I'm wary that your therapist told your GF what she *needs* to do. A licensed therapist shouldn't be taking sides that you're "right" she should go and she's "wrong" for prioritizing studying. Therapists might say that it's helpful for our sanity to take breaks from responsibilities and ask how important studying that day was. If they truly sided with you, I'd ask your GF how she feels about them taking sides. You'll make better progress if both of you feel safe and heard. This could be why she's raising some issue to you but not with this other person (licensed therapist?!) where she may feel ganged up on. You also described what mode of therapy works for you. Have you asked your girlfriend if this mode of therapy works for her?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I get home from work, the home is a disaster. Stuff everywhere, sink is full, baby dishes not cleaned, dishwasher still full, food all over the counters.
It sounds like you expect her to watch the baby, study, and do housework. Have you done that exercise where you each, separately write out your expectations for yourselves and each other and then share them with curiosity?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Just giving you all a time line of yesterday. woke up at 4:30am..
I get it! You feel a certain way and here's your schedule to prove you right. If you're seeking to LISTEN first, ask her to share her schedule from a day this next week when she feels overwhelmed. Try to understand why she feels overwhelmed. If you can't understand, ask questions. One thing that happens when you work together is you may discover you're doing A, B, C, D, and E for her but she only cares about A and B and would really love if you did F. A great partnership isn't about doing more. It's about focusing the time you do spend on what each other needs to be happiest.
From a time management perspective, I question your 3-5pm stop at home to make dinner just for her. Your gym time could've been shifted to 3-5pm if that were advantageous. I try to chain all my OUT tasks together for fewer trips out. Would a $4 meal she heated up in the microwave/oven have been almost as good for her--saving time, gas money, and food costs? Those wouldn't take as long or leave the dirty dishes that bothered her. I tend to cook "fancy" meals on weekends when I have more time. Would she have preferred no mess plus you spending half your extra time with baby?
Wolf, you both do a lot! Instead of a "Could I do more--NO!" narrative, shift to a "What could I do differently next time?" narrative so you meet your/her needs better and are happier!
I have been going nonstop trying to help her. I have been cleaning non stop. I say this because, when I get home from work, the home is a disaster. Stuff everywhere, sink is full, baby dishes not cleaned, dishwasher still full, food all over the counters. So, as soon as i get home I empty the dishwasher, load the dirty dishes, clean the baby dishes, put things away, clean up the food on the counter, then take the baby so she has time to do her work. I will feed the baby dinner later on. Cook dinner or buy dinner and clean up afterward. Yet she told me yesterday, she needs more help.
It's been discussed on her that a lot of LBSs become overnight a "superhero spouse" bending over backwards to do all the domestic work and appease their WS/WAS in anything and everything, even while they're cheating. Now not saying your a LBS at the moment or your GF is cheating, but just pointing out by the way you describe it you're bending over backwards to do absolutely everything all the time between being the sole financial provider, handling all the household work, and planning dates. Now GF has a baby at home and that's no joke - definitely think you should be contributing at home and helping out. But make sure you're doing your fair share and not EVERYTHING. You have to make sure your efforts are sustainable. You can't go 110% forever. If you're consistently doing more than your fair share you're not going to be able to keep that up forever, and it'll cause you resentment.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I understand she feels overwhelmed and stressed, I am trying the best I can I just feel like it is not enough for her.
Being a mother of a newborn or baby is no easy task - almost everyone feels overwhelmed and stressed at times - it's not unique to her. Hang in there. Raising kids is hard work!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Maybe you’re misinterpreting her struggles as something you must fix.
You think you need to do more dishes, more feeding, more cleaning, more organising to make her life easier and easier. You keep doing more and more, and she still seems unhappy.
Maybe the problem here is that you are trying to fix. Maybe she is just struggling and wants someone to understand.
Perhaps if you come home and she says there’s too many dishes, or she needs to study, or she doesn’t have enough time, you could just listen.
“That sounds really tough.” “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you trying to study and be a full time Mum.” “You must be exhausted.” “At least I get to go to work out of the house. You must feel trapped here - it’s either studying or being Mum 24/7.” “Part of you must desperately need a break.”
She wants her struggles to be heard and seen by you, not fixed. The evidence is right in front of you - because you keep doing more, but she’s still no happier.
Don’t use phrases like: “Well I can do more dishes” “Why don’t we get a cleaner” “Perhaps you should defer your study until baby is older” “If we just do x, then y should be easier” “Why don’t you…”
Men are amazing because we fix. We are also absolutely terrible, because all we do is try to fix. She just wants to be heard.
