Hey ScottB - Just read Die with Zero, on your recommendation. Interesting concepts...definitely gave me some things to think about. Hope you're continuing those adventures!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL42 - I hope you found it impactful. I have found the ideas to help propel me thoughtfully forward in the pursuit of a life well lived. --------------------- I'm coming up on two years since my ex moved out. I'm definitely not sad anymore. I still harbor some anger and resentment and disgust and confusion around all of it.
I would say that generally, day in and day out I'm very happy. I'm busy - a little more than I would like. Kids sports has been a lot. Work is busy. I didn't get to kayak as much as I would have liked this summer, but I did snowboard in Chile and went to Bermuda as well as some incredible rock climbing in WV. I can't wait for winter - I plan to snowboard all over the western US.
I'm dating a woman who was divorced last year June who is just incredible. Who knows where it leads and I don't have any expectations but it feels incredibly good to be in a relationship with a smart, strong, sexy, woman who supports me.
Today she sent me a note prior to a meeting that said "You are going to crush this meeting. Just be you. People love you." I've never gotten a text like that in my life. Its a small thing but incredible at the same time. ------------------------- I've been thinking lately about the unconditionality of marriage. It feels like the person who really believes marriage is for life can really be taken advantage of with little to no recourse based on their values. I love the idea of marriage for life and of commitment through thick and thin; but I see people get abused and it makes me wonder if maybe the right way through is actually to stand up and demand respect for ourselves.
At some point I think we might consider a different way forward.
If you want to speak to me that way I will leave you. If you cheat on me, I am gone. If you get addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling and you decide its more important than us, then good luck.
I love, admire, and respect those that work so hard (like I did) to save their marriages and I wish I could pull them aside, look them in the eye and let them know, whatever happens You're going to be Okay. And probably better than Okay.
I'm coming up on two years since my ex moved out. I'm definitely not sad anymore.
That's great! Just know that doesn't mean the sadness is gone forever.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I still harbor some anger and resentment and disgust and confusion around all of it.
Yeah this may stay with you forever.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm dating a woman who was divorced last year June who is just incredible. Who knows where it leads and I don't have any expectations but it feels incredibly good to be in a relationship with a smart, strong, sexy, woman who supports me.
It's a great feeling to be wanted, valued and respected isn't it?
Originally Posted by ScottB
Today she sent me a note prior to a meeting that said "You are going to crush this meeting. Just be you. People love you."
It's a beautiful thing isn't it?
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've never gotten a text like that in my life.
Nah. You have from your EXW but it's probably been so long you don't remember.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've been thinking lately about the unconditionality of marriage. It feels like the person who really believes marriage is for life can really be taken advantage of with little to no recourse based on their values.
Scotty B my best guess is that the fact you thought your marriage was unconditional probably is part of what got you here.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I love the idea of marriage for life and of commitment through thick and thin; but I see people get abused and it makes me wonder if maybe the right way through is actually to stand up and demand respect for ourselves.
Do you think it's possible your exw might be thinking the same exact thing?
Originally Posted by ScottB
At some point I think we might consider a different way forward.
100%. The institution of marriage is antiquated and is not made for the 21st century.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I love, admire, and respect those that work so hard (like I did) to save their marriages and I wish I could pull them aside, look them in the eye and let them know, whatever happens You're going to be Okay. And probably better than Okay.
Why don't you stop by more often and tell the newbies yourself?
Kind of wild to think the last time I post it was in September.
The anniversary of my divorce coming up this week. I can be a little bit sentimental about dates, and I’m not sure how I feel about this one yet.
I am doing really really good. I don’t long for my ex-wife at all. I feel so blessed and fortunate that she left, to be honest. Literally, every part of my life is better. And as I looked at the future, I see a better future than I would’ve had also.
I’m sure between here and there I’ll have moments that will be tough, but I’ll never look back with regrets and I think in my heart of hearts I’ll always recognize this. Divorce was actually the best outcome for me.
I feel harbor, some anger and resentment, and I don’t think that will ever completely go away, but we’ll see in time
I can’t seem to be doing really well, which is good. Because of the divorce I’ve had the freedom to take them on some unbelievable adventures that we would not have gotten to do otherwise.
And I’ve gotten to go on some unbelievable adventures that I would not have gotten to do otherwise, I’m dating someone and we’ve gone on a couple of trips together which event incredible.
Are all of those people here that are fighting for their marriage, keep up the good fight, but don’t let them abuse you or walk all over you; work to keep or regain your self-respect. Do the work, and learning about yourself, improving yourself, because, regardless of where things go, do you want to come out of this better for you.
Just happened by. I need to look something up from the past and this has kept a nice record of it.
Let's see I began fighting the divorce threats in 2016 I think. My ex moved out in 11/2020 and the divorce was final in 2/2022. Its been 1.5 years since and I have no interest in going back. I stayed for my family, not for my ex.
Kids continue to do well, but co-parenting is hard. We seem to have different values and different approaches as to how to deal with the kids - that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. I've been dating a woman now for a year. That's going well and we've had lots of fun adventures.
I don't see marriage in our near future because we both have kids and she lives about 90 miles away. Its been nice though.
Scott, I just caught up on your story. I went through this once 9 years ago (hence why my profile is 9 years old), and am now unfortunately going through it again. Your story is inspirational. Man you had a long journey. Congrats on all of the progress. I remember finally being detached from W#1, it was the biggest relief I've ever felt. I know I'll get there again this time, and stories like yours really help.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I can’t imagine anyone reads this But Michelle started sending out her emails again and that brought me back here.
Wild that I last wrote in September 2023 and I had no intention of being back. I’d also add I don’t have a need to be back. I’m what I would call happily divorced at this point. I still have no interest in my ex-wife sometimes it makes me sad when I don’t have the kids every day, but I’ve really grown my personal life where I have plenty to do and I’m still with the same girlfriend, I was with two years ago. We’ve done some incredible hiking, I’ve taken up mountain biking, I’m still snowboarding, and this past summer I took up wakeboarding with my kids. I love my girlfriend in that relationship has been really incredible.
If I could go back and talk to myself in the darkest of my days, I think I would just give myself a hug and say everything‘s gonna be OK. I tell myself that I had a nice smile and that I’d meet somebody because one of the weird things of going through years of trying times was that I never received any compliments and once my wife left and I was talking to other women I was shocked to find out a lot of really nice things that people saw on me.
I’d let myself know that the kids are gonna be OK and that they would get through it even though there would be pain I tell myself that I had more friends and family than I realized who cared deeply about me and would be there anytime I needed them. I’ve learned an incredible amount of these past 10 years and after having gone through it all, I’m very happy and I have a great life.
So if anyone does read this little blurb from the past and reads the rest of my story because they’re going through a challenging time I would just reiterate that everything’s gonna be OK and if you do get to the backside of this thing and are looking for resources I really liked the book Heartbreak by Ginnette Paris. It really helped me.
