Living with a WAW

[Kind18]

W had most kinds of childhood trauma you can imagine. Alcoholic/drug addict parents, dad in and out of jail, kept getting sent to foster homes where she was molested, raped/molested by an uncle (who recently went to jail for murder a few weeks before W gave me BD), dad committed suicide, moved in with different aunt/uncle, with her brother. They raised her and she calls them mom/dad, had a bunch of kids in the house, brother got kicked out of the house due to being a difficult child and sent to live hours away, molested by sibling in her new home, kicked out of this home and sent hours away last year of high school, then moved in with me. She is not in contact with bio mom and talks to brother a couple times a year. Sibling who molested lives across the country. The remaining family she associates with are all good people.

I don't want to minimise her experiences (and yes you should show compassion and validate when she brings these things up), but bear in mind some middle aged women have a story of woe and horror which either didn't exist, or which is vastly exaggerated. My ex-wife had come from a family that didn't value her, teased her, caused her anorexia, didn't encourage her to go to uni, and then a string of ever worsening relationships with bad men who treated her poorly and abused her and took drugs and cheated on her.

It was all very sad and made me want to protect her even more during our 10 year marriage... right up until the point I realised most of it was made-up BS and she was a serial victim (still is today). Most of her childhood problems were actually her own, which she blamed on others.

I am truly sorry if your wife went through all of that, but perhaps be open-minded to the possibility that it's been embellished significantly. (It's also entirely possible that it's all very true, and the trauma associated which you say she has hidden, is now bubbling to the surface and fuelling MLC). As BL42 says, maybe 99% of this isn't about you - but her, her past and her trauma. Maybe take heart from that.

An update after setting a boundary with the bed. I was fully expecting W to be in a bad mood after sleeping on the couch. Everything was "fine" the next day. This roller coaster is hard to wrap my head around but I'll just keep riding it I guess.

She's an addict, and her drugs of choice are drama and arguments and checking if you're on her hook. You played it so well that she didn't get her drug fix, so there's no hangover. She's going to try again shortly for a fix from you.

Before leaving she asked my opinion of her clothes. I told her that she should wear what she wants and it's her opinion that matters, not mine. She wears a lot of black now, which is weird and different, but oh well. She got upset that I "changed" again and it's not fair that I can't decide whether to ignore her or be nice to her

And bingo, there it is - she needs her drug fix again. She is engineering an argument to prove you're an a**hole and make herself feel better about her affair.

You responded reasonably well, but your "it's your opinion that matters, not mine" probably wasn't ideal - it comes across a bit sulky. I'd have said "looks okay. By the way, I won't be home tomorrow after work. I'm going out" and then immediately leave the room.

I realize the mistake and don't intend to revert again.

This is excellent recognition and personal development.

She has made it a point to let me know where she is or what her plans are

She is doing this for one of two reasons:
1. To hide an affair, or
2. To check if you're still attached and on her hook.

Bad DB response:
1. What time will you get home? (You look weak and desperate)

Average DB response:
2. Why should I care what you do in your own time? (You're trying to act AS-IF, but comes across the opposite)

Best DB response:
3. Yeah whatever. I probably won't be home anyway. (And then take D4 to the museum, or a movie, or go camping for a day or two).

Stalking stuff - thanks for being honest. Yes, it was mistake, but you recognise it and won't do it again.

The best way to avoid stalking and worrying about her and where she is and whether she is having a PA - is to have such an awesome, busy life that you really don't give a sh*t.

Best response when she sends a picture of her with her girlfriends which may or may not be an old photo - don't comment, just send one back of you at a bar with your mates having fun!

It's not normal or acceptable behavior for a married woman with kids at home to regularly stay out all night closing down the bars and sleeping at other people's house, whether it really is her "girlfriends" or not - and I'm skeptical. My now-ExW stayed at her mom's house and had a friend over to hide things with OM2. Why is it your W couldn't taxi or Uber back to your house instead of her girlfriends? Sounds like BS to me.

Of course it's BS! But you can't control it. Why bother worrying about what may or may not be happening if you can't change it? We only get 80 laps around the sun!

Don't spend a second worrying about her being mad you didn't comment on her outfit or respond to her texts from the bar. She's throw barbs towards you and you just deflect and hold your head up high and be happy with life (and if, understandably you're not right now, then "fake it till you make it").

Perfect advice. She'll be angry no matter what, best to just accept and ignore. "Fake it until you make it" is great advice, and something that really helped me to continue acting "meh" on the outside when I was anything but on the inside.

But it's over now and I'm much better two years later.

So am I. You never read stories of men with a WW who are sad for decades. It's an acute, horrific experience - but it's only temporary, and 2-3 years and most men are okay. Now I look back and wonder what the hell I was doing trying to save my relationship. DB is all well and good, but only if your spouse is worth it. Mine, and very many, are not.

BL42 - I agree that her staying out late and coming home in the morning is completely unacceptable.

She's a grown ass adult, she can do what she wants. Not your job to fix this. Either she decides for herself it's not appropriate, or you try to show her and push her further away. Its sort of what she wants - so she can paint you as a controlling spouse. Not your circus, not your monkey.

My best guess as to the sitch with possible AP is that something physical happened between them while I was gone (That was when W was at her craziest behavior) and that they've been in an EA since then with a possible visit here and there

All these maybes and ruminating is a waste of time. Have you thought of getting a gym membership? It will keep you busy, make you feel better, help you sleep - and 9 out of 10 psychologists say hard physical exercise is better than any therapy or medication for mental health.

I'd happily wager $100 she's having a PA. But there's nothing you can do about it. Stop exhausting energy trying to analyse or catch her out. Either she wakes up and comes back, or she doesn't. Time to get busy living your own life, leave her to deal with the steaming pile of sh*t she has created.

Make sure that you document the time that you are with them, and what the specifics are. Who is with them, what times and days..

Definitely do this. Either email it to yourself frequently if she can't access your emails (so there's timestamps), or write it down in a book and date/sign each entry.

Any chance your next five posts could be exclusively about you? Your GAL activities. Your dreams/hopes/aspirations/ultimate holiday - and what you're going to do to make sure it happens! How about some physical health goals ... by xxx date i'm going to lose yyy pounds.

Have you seen "Shawshank Redemption"? You should watch it - a great story about human resilience and triumph.

My favourite quote from that movie - "Get busy living, or get busy dying". Sitting around, worrying about her, and trying to save a trainwreck that is out of your control sounds like the second option. Why don't you concentrate on option 1?