Living with a WAW

[BL42]

DW17,

BL42 - I agree that her staying out late and coming home in the morning is completely unacceptable. It has been going on since I left for work in June and D17 had to play mom for D4. It's been almost every Saturday since I got home.

Make sure you're there for your children and being their rock as their mother goes wild - obviously they're not her priority, and your kids deserve to be someone's priority.

My understanding is that I'm supposed to just say "I hope you have fun" and give her that time and space and basically ignore it.

Not sure I'd say "I hope you have fun", but definitely give her space - you can't stop her from going to the bars and having an affair anyway, as much as you'd like to.

My best guess as to the sitch with possible AP is that something physical happened between them while I was gone (That was when W was at her craziest behavior) and that they've been in an EA since then with a possible visit here and there.

Could be. Hate to say this, but it's likely much worse than you think...or what she'll admit to, if she ever does admit to anything.

I have seen some of her text messages while she was texting next to me, and it seems like the types of convos you have at the beginning of a relationship.

My then-W would text AP in the same room as me, in my then-S4's bedroom for hours while she was "putting him to bed". She'd say "I'm texting my girlfriend". And she was...but also texting OM1! It was so blatant. Based on the texts she thought she was being slick, but it was painfully obviously. Caught up in some serious fog.

She is all of a sudden interested in football, particularly the Bengals (AP's favorite team apparently) after having 0 interest her entire life.

Funny isn't the word, because you're in a serious situation, but I did smile at this one because I came across my then-W having an NFL team's jersey she previously hated because it was OM2's team. They'll flip on a dime and many are chameleons changing colors to match the AP and make the AP feel like they're a perfect match. Google "love bombing".

I have proof she was honest with some of the times she was at her friend's houses, including when I drove by, and she doesn't have a ton of other time that's unaccounted for as she usually just stays in bed on her phone at home. But I would be an idiot to assume she’s just hanging out with friends.

Right. And you're not an idiot. You would not believe the extent they'd go to hook up. Mine did physically in the office during work hours (I have proff). Others on here are doing it in a car in an abondoned parking lot. If she's out all night regularly "staying at a friends"....

Did you ever confront your W about it or just sit back and wait for her to change

I confronted her several times about it over a few months. It took me about 12hours after BD to confirm an EA with her coworker. Lots of "talks" and pressure. I'd work up a script in my head to deliver about why we should keep the family together and work on our marriage and then deliver it. I kept giving her opportunities to come out with it. First I'd ask "Is there another guy?", then a week or two later it was "I know there's another guy" then a week or two later I'd say "I know there's another guy and this is his name". That shocked her a bit (of course I knew who it was from early on). They spent 3-4hrs on the phone the next day, assuming talking about the implications of me knowing his name and possibly contacting their work or his W. Each time then-W would lie directly to my face. When I named him she said they were just friends and had been for 10 years...funny we were together 8-9 and I'd never heard his name, and he was in her phone with his job title (like you'd type into your contacts if you met some random person). They will flat out lie and deceive you...even if you've known them for decades and you can't imagine them doing it.

Anyway, all that confronting and R talk was before I found this site. It was ill-advised. If I had to do it over I'd seriously consider packing up all her stuff and leaving it on the porch for when she got back "late from work" and serving her papers as she left work with him. That said...I can honestly tell my kids someday if they ask that I made every effort and gave ExW every opportunity to keep the family together and she decided not to. So there's that, which isn't nothing. Your bio kids are old...they know exactly what's up. Just make sure you're the best dad you can be as your W is going off the rails. Your kids (bio and adopted) deserve it.