H has flown to see OW after being unable to for almost 10 mo. He wouldn’t get the vaccine and neither would she and all domestic airlines banned unvaccinated travellers until recently. They just recently removed the ban. H didn’t return for a visit right away because he couldn’t get off work. My D thought he didn’t return because he was done with it all. It was finished she thought even though they talked on the phone during the entire 10 months. I knew that wasn’t the case. If he was done with it all there would be no phone calls. But then again my H hates difficult conversations so maybe he was done and was just reluctant to finalize it once and for all. D believed he would not be going to visit her again even though he could because he knew it was a terrible R. He told D at the beginning of the flight ban that it was a relief he didn’t have to see her. The R was exhausting and financially draining. He paid for everything and spent a small fortune in airline tickets flying to see her every 3 weeks for over 5 years. It’s a completely dead end R with no chance either of them will relocate to live with the other. He gave up everything for a dead end R and now he is on the verge of giving up his future happiness with anyone else as well.
This OW, like many AP’s, is a low quality human. H couldn’t see that through his MLC and the limerance but after 10 months not seeing each other, multiple therapy sessions, and new goals that didn’t include her, the family was hopefully he would wrap it up for good. Hopes are totally dashed now that he is with her for a week, and maybe longer.
It’s been some time since I had hope for reconciliation or a even any desire for a reconciliation, now 5+ years after BD. I did think we could have an amiable post marital relationship though. And we did have that. We are not friends, but we are friendly and respectful with each other. There is really no lingering anger or resentment. I was hoping to see him recover from his MLC one day and return to the land of the sane despite my doubt or my lack of interest that we would ever reconcile. I was glad to recently see what I thought were signs of progress, especially the stabilizing of moods and a big reduction in his frustrations and anger. None of this was directed at me but more at my D. She took the brunt of the monstering during the worst of the MLC. She was thrilled to see progress and him calming down to a normal level. He was calm, relaxed, respectful and like the dad she had before MLC hit.
Then he flies off to see OW. Possibly to end it formally? Or to establish some kind of casual connection unlike the crazy connection they had prior to the flight ban? Or to resume full speed ahead where they left off? Both D and I thought his plan might have been to have a pleasant visit and end it amiably when the trip was over. She thought it would go as he planned. I did not and told her that despite his intentions, to be prepared that it would start up again. I don’t know yet, nor does she, what will happen after this trip. I will bet money on it that there will be many more trips to come.
My reaction to this trip is complete disgust. He had a chance to escape this nightmare R, and according to D he did escape it for those 10 months, was a semi-changed man on his way to a more normal self,,,,, and then he risked it all because either he could not see the danger to his recovery, if indeed he was recovering, or because he really had made no progress and intended to resume this sick R in full.
Time will tell whether he returns to see her again but the fact that he even risked it at all, regardless of his intention was the ultimate last straw for me. I want nothing to do with him or anyone else who is stupid enough to do this. According to D, he has enough clarity to know his R with this crazy disordered OW was the dumbest and biggest mistake of his life. But I guess he doesn’t have enough clarity to see he is walking right back into the quicksand. Where he wants out, but can’t get out because of her control over him and his emotional weakness and inability to break it off. He was so close to his freedom from her. All he had to do was stay away. And he couldn’t or wouldn’t. I am so done with him and his MLC and the pain he has visited on our family. I have zip respect for him and there will be no more amiability between us. If he asks ‘what’s wrong?’, I’ll tell him. If I say anything to him after that it will be those well known two words. You know what words I mean. I’m done with this chapter and this book and will never open it again. I am so done. Finally.
