An update after setting a boundary with the bed. I was fully expecting W to be in a bad mood after sleeping on the couch. Everything was "fine" the next day. This roller coaster is hard to wrap my head around but I'll just keep riding it I guess.
W went out with a girl friend for their weekly close out the bar night. Before leaving she asked my opinion of her clothes. I told her that she should wear what she wants and it's her opinion that matters, not mine. She wears a lot of black now, which is weird and different, but oh well. She got upset that I "changed" again and it's not fair that I can't decide whether to ignore her or be nice to her. Context - few weeks back I tried detaching instead of being Mr. Nice Guy and it only lasted a few days. W got mad, just like the past few days, and the fear of her getting mad caused me to revert back to being nice. I realize the mistake and don't intend to revert again. W stayed the night at her friends house. To avoid driving home drunk, she stays at one of 2 friends houses and drives home in the morning. The last few weekends she's gone out, she has made it a point to let me know where she is or what her plans are. Last night she sent a pic of them before letting me know she'll be home in the morning. I did not reply.
Her sending me updates is new the past few weeks, and I think it is a result of a huge mistake I made. A few weeks ago W told me she was staying at a friends house. The paranoia of knowing she may be in a PA go to me. That is my boundary for D, and although I knew I shouldn't, I felt like I had to know if she was being honest. I had to go to a store in the morning near her friends house, so I drove by the house. My wife was walking down the street on the phone as I drove by, noticed me, and I had to stop to explain. I told her I was making sure she was where she said she was because each time she went out I couldn't sleep due to anxiety and paranoia of thinking she was having an A. She didn't react with too much anger, but called me a stalker and still mentions it occasionally. The paranoia was something I had dealt with every weekend, and I was improving, but had a weak moment and made a mistake. It was right after I decided that a PA was my boundary, so I felt I had to know for sure. Fortunately, the paranoia has been gone since then and I've accepted that I can't control my wife's whereabouts. I got no resolution on whether she's in a PA and now I'm a stalker so, yeah, wouldn't recommend doing that.
As far as the text updates, I know that it's entirely possible W is just sending me pics with her girl friend from earlier in the night and going to another house. I know that she may be meeting with AP at other times. I will not trust anything W says and I've been proceeding as I've seen here by assuming the worst. The hard part is having a PA as a boundary, yet having no realistic way to find out without making things worse. Current plan is to just wait things out. If I find out, I find out. It's not worth the daily stress while I'm working on other things. But I am curious, how have others in this situation dealt with the desire to know about a PA while IHS and not being able to ask/check on W's truthfulness? Just ignore it and learn to be comfortable with the unknown? I know people have mentioned hiring investigators - I don't plan on doing that. And I don't intend to spy again.
