*This makes me curious... Maybe give me some background on that... How you worked through that, or didn't work through that...
We were basically dealing with the same issues then as now. I wasn't attentive to her needs and she met those needs elsewhere. She was partying a lot with a close friend dealing with her own relationship problems. The AP was in the small group of people she got close with that hung out at a local bar. The current likely AP was also in that group. Everything now is exactly the same, including the local bar. I'm not convinced there is a PA, but definitely an EA, not that it really matters. The last PA I found out about after red flags caused me to search her phone. She admitted to everything and I stayed with my sister for a few weeks. W cut off all talks with AP and the new likely AP and we just moved on. No MC, no real talks about it, no real remorse, I never realized my contribution to the situation, we just basically ignored it. I was about 25 at the time and I guess I was just embarrassed and didn't know any better.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What was the boundary ? What wording did you use ? Just curious what that looked like....
W gave a hypothetical (she loves those) about I would have sex with her if she asked. I said something similar to "I would not have sex with someone that does not have an emotional connection with me." She seemed surprised by my answer because previously I had answered differently. We had previously talked about no strings attached sex to meet our needs. Her friend told her not to because I'd go crazy (which makes no sense to me, but oh well). My response then was if she wasn't comfortable with it then we shouldn't.
Originally Posted by Mach1
That's pretty typical. It makes for some interesting times for sure. That seems to be the standard catalyst for an in home situation. IF you were make a plan to change that, what would that look like ?
IF I made a different plan, it'd have to be to sell the house I think. I haven't really figured out a good solution. Talked to the bank about refi options, plan on talking to a L just to get some more info about my options and their recommendations. I'm still working through this part.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What would you have changed....??? Why would you have changed it ??
As far as what I would have changed regarding losing my identity, I would have stayed connected with friends, engaged in activities that did not include my wife, invited my own friends to the house (my "friends" basically became whoever my wife was friends with), stayed in better shape, found more hobbies, worked on the relationships with my kids, worked less, focused less on making money and more on family/friend time, and many other things. I'd have changed this because I feel like that was the single biggest reason my marriage failed. I was going through the motions of life unhappy, and being in denial about it. Nobody wants to be around a negative homebody, even if they cook and clean.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What are you hoping to work through with an IC ?
My goals seem to change as I gain understanding of things. First it was fixing my marriage, then understanding my own issues, which I still think is important. Lately he just asks for a recap of the week and tells me I'm doing good staying calm and to wait it out. I already know that though. I go to IC today and plan on focusing on just bettering myself and developing a positive, confident, motivated mindset. I don't feel like I'm getting good advice regarding the M when I seek it there. E.g. I was told to do weekly check-ins to see if my changes were being noticed and how W felt about them. Did it once against the recommendations here, didn't work, decided not to take anymore advice and started searching for new IC.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Be sure to keep your reading material close, and your internet activity even closer to you. Clear history, delete and sites that you have visited.
I appreciate the feedback here. I am careful with things, and W is so in her own world I don't think she cares. But I know I must stay on alert. My D mentioned MLC to my wife while I was gone and W got angry with her. To my knowledge it hasn't been brought up since. The kids don’t talk with W about what’s going on and she hasn’t asked them. Only in the past week or so has W even bothered talking to them at all.
Originally Posted by Mach1
I'm gonna start a pool of how long it takes before you hear "well, are you perfect now"....
Lol, I've already heard this dozens of times. "Tell your next wife to thank me for fixing you", “Must be nice that you can ruin my life but now you’re perfect”, etc.
