Living with a WAW

[SteveLW]

There’s a bunch more stuff to add to this, but it feels like a good start. The things I am currently struggling with are:

*How to detach while living with IHS. D17 has soccer games twice a week that we attend together. W gets upset when I “ignore” her. I try to give short answers, I don’t call/text unless family related, and I validate when she is upset. We have not had a single argument since BD. W gets upset at my lack of communication with things, which has been intentional. The first few weeks after BD, she referred to me as her best friend and it felt that way for a bit. I learned about detachment and she caught on immediately. I think it was too drastic a transition. One day BFF’s, next day barely talking. She blamed my IC, but it was me working on detachment. It’s just hard to figure out how much communication is too much when you live together and basically have to talk to each other a lot of the time.

*Validation without sounding robotic. I’ve read the validation thread several times, but it’s hard not to repeat phrases. W has called me out for it and sometimes finishes my sentences.

*W constantly asks for things from me. Getting something at the store, driving with her somewhere, making her a sandwich, etc. She hasn’t done her own laundry in 2 months but doesn’t ask me to do that and I said I wasn’t going to anymore. Do I just politely refuse these things regardless of her reaction? Just a few at a time until I’m not doing anymore?

Any advice through this process would be greatly appreciated. It’s tough, but it’s helpful knowing people have gone through similar situations and made it out okay. Thank you!

DW, sorry you're going through this. It [censored] I know. First, asking to start MC until you guy back was not a mistake. Likely she was already going WW, and wanted to use MC to ease you into the idea. Its a very common tale. Very few WAS that suggest MC are in it to fix things.

Detaching is never an easy thing. For you or her. She will buck you trying to detach because she loses her plan B. That's right, even as a WAS and probably a WW, she still wants you at arms length in case her new plans don't work out. Almost all WASs use their LBS as a safety net. Especially since she, in your words, can't afford her own place and doesn't make much money. So she will cake eat and ride daddy's (that's you) gravy train to support her girls gone wild act sad long as she can. So you start to detach and she guess "whoa there fella, get back here!!"

And she sounds pretty savvy because she is calling you out on the validation. However, that doesn't mean you stop. Both detaching and validating have a simple truth....."Practice makes perfect." So stop using canned responses and really try to understand her feelings. Then validate them. "I feel trapped in this marriage." Response: "Wow, I had no idea it was that bad for you. That has to be a terrible feeling." The suggested responses are simply examples. Quoting them without sincerity or feeling will be sniffed out by the savvy WASs. And detachment is not ignoring. If you're ignoring her you're doing it wrong. Look at it more as just not being the one to initiate interaction. And when she does, interact for a short time, then have places to be and things to do.

Practice. Practice. Practice.

As far as doing things for her. Here's a question: Do you want her to respect you, or to be your friend? Being a friend to someone you want more with [censored]! And will cause you to behave it was that do not command respect. Most LBS would rather be liked than respected. Which is why there are so many divorces. So stop doing those things. "Can you stop by the store and get me X." "No I don't have time for that." "Can you make me a sandwich?" "No, you can make your own sandwich." "Can you drive me to Y?" "No, that's something a husband does for a wife and you're are firing me as your husband."

She will get upset. She will get angry. She may not even like you for it. But she will respect you.

Glad you found us. Keep the questions coming.