*W had previous PA about 12 yrs ago. We never properly moved on from it. W is currently texting 247 with a male “friend” who has been out of the picture since the time of previous PA. He was not the AP previously, but at the time I believed she had feelings for him. Part of moving on from previous PA was NC with this guy also. I’m assuming worst obviously and am convinced there’s at least an EA. She does not hide that they text all day and knows I know who it is.
This makes me curious...
Maybe give me some background on that...
How you worked through that, or didn't work through that...
Originally Posted by Dw
*I would describe our situation as IHS. She wants to move out but can’t afford it. She has pretty low paying job. Sleep in same bed still. Only sex since May has been oral twice a few weeks ago. I recently set a boundary against it stating that I am not comfortable with that with someone who does not have an emotional connection with me.
What was the boundary ?
What wording did you use ?
Just curious what that looked like....
Originally Posted by Dw
*Divorce is difficult as a buyout refi would almost double my mortgage. She asked for legal separation/divorce in late July, but to date has done nothing to push for it. She can’t afford the house on her own. Neither of us want to sell as this is our kids’ home and moving out of a large home to each have to pay more for small apartments does not make sense.
That's pretty typical. It makes for some interesting times for sure.
That seems to be the standard catalyst for an in home situation.
IF you were make a plan to change that, what would that look like ?
Originally Posted by Dw
*I’ve been working on improving myself as I had basically lost my identity over the years while thinking I was doing the right thing for my family (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, working a bunch, fixing house, etc.) Unfortunately I neglected everyone’s emotional needs while taking care of their physical ones. My GAL has been working out a lot, which actually started prior to BD, but was accelerated after, reconnecting with old friends, becoming way more social at work and with family/friends, spending time with kids, dressing better and trying to live with confidence.
What would you have changed....???
Why would you have changed it ??
Originally Posted by Dw
*I’ve been in IC for 2 months. Not very helpful, but I’m on several waitlists. Was supposed to be MC. W went first one. I went to fix M, she went to help with separation. She felt guilted into agreeing to work on M and never went back.
Different goals, different expectations....
What are you hoping to work through with an IC ?
Originally Posted by Dw
*S19 and D17 know everything that is/has happened. Not ideal, and I’m trying to keep things vague as possible for them, but I thought it was necessary for them to understand what was actually happening instead of being confused. D17 reached out to me first after researching MLC while I was gone. They fully understand my role in leading up to this and do not view W with any ill will.*How to detach while living with IHS. D17 has soccer games twice a week that we attend together. W gets upset when I “ignore” her. I try to give short answers, I don’t call/text unless family related, and I validate when she is upset. We have not had a single argument since BD. W gets upset at my lack of communication with things, which has been intentional. The first few weeks after BD, she referred to me as her best friend and it felt that way for a bit. I learned about detachment and she caught on immediately. I think it was too drastic a transition. One day BFF’s, next day barely talking. She blamed my IC, but it was me working on detachment. It’s just hard to figure out how much communication is too much when you live together and basically have to talk to each other a lot of the time.
I always tried to act...
Aloof, yet available
D, it kinda sounds like she found and has read your DB playbook, or possibly one of your kiddos has clued her into MLC and what that entails....
Almost as if she is one step ahead of you in this...
Be sure to keep your reading material close, and your internet activity even closer to you. Clear history, delete and sites that you have visited.
You wouldn't be the first person that has posted here to have their spouse 'find' them and use it against them.
Be careful with it...
Also be careful with the information that is being passed between you and the kiddos....
Your job isn't to facilitate their relationship, your job is to not damage it. It has to be formed by them...
Originally Posted by Dw
*Validation without sounding robotic. I’ve read the validation thread several times, but it’s hard not to repeat phrases. W has called me out for it and sometimes finishes my sentences.
Yep, it all feels fake...even to the LBS...
Get creative with validation. Most people don't desire to be 'right', they just want to be heard...
Listen without defending, and speak without offending...
You aren't gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into...
You are gonna to be mocked when you do this. No matter what way you go, it will be wrong in her eyes. Years of anger and resentment have built up inside of her, and it is just beginning to come out.
It doesn't make any of it true, unless you believe it to be true.
There are typically 3 sides to every story. Yours, Hers, and somewhere in the middle is where the truth usually lies....
She is going to do everything imaginable to convince you and everyone around her, that her side is the absolute truth.
She will try to gaslight you into thinking that you are the crazy one...
I'm gonna start a pool of how long it takes before you hear "well, are you perfect now"....
Takers ?
Don't buy it, do you.
Nothing less and nothing more for now.
Originally Posted by Dw
*W constantly asks for things from me. Getting something at the store, driving with her somewhere, making her a sandwich, etc. She hasn’t done her own laundry in 2 months but doesn’t ask me to do that and I said I wasn’t going to anymore. Do I just politely refuse these things regardless of her reaction? Just a few at a time until I’m not doing anymore?
Uhm...
Didn't she "fire" you from that job ?
I'm not so sure that you can "chore" your way back into this marriage. However I think that you know that....
