Stuck in limbo III

[BL42]

Doug54,

I can't recall your status. Sounds like limbo? Is she talking about separation / D? Any positive signs?

No talk of separation or D lately at all.

Well the no talk of separation or D lately is good. The EA is bad obviously. But sounds like you have a livable status quo at the moment - certainly not ideal, but tenable.

For the record, my W is finishing up her degree in a different field and is set to make a good bit more money once that happens, potentially being able to afford a new place for herself. That may not happen until next summer, and likely not a full-blown house at that.

See another reason to stick it out. She gets a bump and you are on the hook for less child support.

Your W may be waiting until she upgrades her income and then move out...or not. That's mind reading and try to predict the future. As LH says, you want her to make more so that's a good thing. If you stay together, great your combined incomes are higher. If it comes to D it'll help your position when it comes to child and spousal support. Who's paying for the degree? That could be a financial factor in the D. I'd learn about the law there if I were you.

Also, do I want to break up the kids' family dynamic myself?

I'd think long and hard about this one. You have 3 kids together and your youngest is just 5 years old. The two of you will need to interact and coordinate quite a bit over the next 15 years, and will be linked for the rest of your lives - weddings, grandkids...etc. Ultimately it may not be up to you if W decides on her own, but do you want to be the one who gave up?

LH, maybe I should get myself into an intoxicating EA like you had to maybe match whatever W had or has going on.

Hopefully you're kidding. That is a terrible idea, and would certainly not help your marriage.

Yeah, that was a joke...borne out of slight frustration.

Fair enough. Being here in this sitch you're certainly allowed a joke out of frustration once in awhile!

You don't have to tread water. You go completely in the opposite direction. Everything is about Doug and the kids. EVERYTHING. Start a new hobby. I trained for a marathon and joined cross-fit. Read books on attraction. Sounds like you are already crushing it in the gym. I restarted when I was 50. you have 7 years on me. You can sacrifice a year and dedicate it to self improvement. Here is the truth of the matter. She is going to recommit to the marriage or she isn't. This is going to play itself out one way or another. I think keeping your family together is worth a year don't you?

Like Mach said you don't want to be sitting on that front porch rocking chair when you are 80 wondering what if you would have gave her more time to figure her $hit out.

I at times wasn't a very good husband and made my share of mistakes. I can honestly look my children in the eyes and say "I made mistakes for sure but I did everything in my power to make up for them and keep this family together". That I feel really good about at the end of the day.

Exactly what LH said. Don't worry about her at all - she's going to do what she's going to do - completely shift your focus to you and the kids. Get out there and get at it! Use the limbo time to make yourself and your life awesome. You'll have a better relationship for it if she recommits and if not you'll have a huge head start for your post-D life.

We define our vows, and what they mean to us, and who we want to be through them....

Better or worse...right ? Fcuk man......anyone can do the 'better'.... It's the 'worse' that defines who we are...

Richer or poorer ? Anyone can do the 'richer'. Who are you when you don't have two nickels to rub together ?

Sickness and health ?? Anyone can do 'health'. It's who you are when sickness invades you...

You DB because you choose to DB, and nobody else can define that for you...

What do your vows mean to you ?? F her man.....YOU ??

Although you said them to her, they are for you, what you vowed to do regardless if she is sitting on your lap giving you a happy ending, or she is texting ILY to the f-ing garbage man...

It's your commitment TO her....no matter what....

Also exactly what Mach said in terms of vows. As you're at a tough point here dig down deep and decide what your values and morals are. "For better or worse". "For better" is the easy part, this is the "worse". Sounds like she's breaking her vows right now, and may ultimately decide to break up the marriage (TBD), but YOU don't have to. You can do what's right for you and your children, and even if the marriage doesn't work out know you did everything you could and honestly tell your kids you took the high road and did the right thing. Certainly you can take a year to work on yourself and be present with your kids while in limbo to say that. Is it fair? No. Are you getting taken advantage of? Yes. But..."To thine own self be true".