There are three stages post replay - depression, withdrawal, and acceptance.
The exiting of the replay stage happens with an awakening. The MLCer wakes up from their running and replaying and making up for lost time. They awaken to what they’ve done and when/where they are.
During replay the MLCer has been running and has not considered anything of their turmoil and trauma. That’s what the replay stage is after all - reliving all they feel they missed out on; replaying their young lives. As we know, this is an emotional crisis and the MLCer needs to grow up from when they were stunted by their long ago authority figure.
With running ceasing, and awaking to their actions and deeds, a dark depression envelopes them. Everything they’ve done, all the bridges burnt, the affairs, the divorce, the spending, the drink, the drugs, the spending, and so on; it all come to the surface. And it is realized that none of it fixed them! They see all their failure and feel worthless.
Make no mistake, this is a dark and terrible burden they now have upon their shoulders. Extreme guilt and shame will consume them. They will have no or very little self respect. This is a grim path indeed. Unlike depression from other loss and grief (like a death), this cause is from their own hand; for they did all this.
They must brood and will spend much time silent and pondering. Many many hours may be spent looking out a window while they mull over things in their head.
This is a crisis. A terrible path not one would wish upon anyone. No one can fix this for the MLCer. No one can drag them out of this funk. The MLCer will find their way, or they won’t.
For those that do find the courage and strength to face their deeds and their pain, they enter withdrawal. This is the first time since way back when they were triggered and started down their crisis path that they actual face their pain and torment again.
This is the time for their deep introspection. Their deep look at how and why they did and could do all that they did. The reasons for why they feel like they do. This leg of their journey is very covert.
This stage will make or break them. Some rebel against what they know they need to do. Hopefully, they do realize the eventuality of things and do what needs to be done - rebuilding damaged and destroyed connections to their life and the people in their life.
Their lifting out of withdrawal heralds the entering of the final stage - acceptance. Like all stages there is no well defined delimitation boundary; one stage nebulously bleeds into the next. The start of acceptance is much like the exiting of withdrawal, coming face to face with the damage done to their lives, marriage, spouse, kids, etc; just more so, and not withering from it, nor running from it. In fact, accepting it.
Here is when a standing spouse’s inner work is fully tested. No judgements. No damning. No blaming. Support and allowing them the time and space to traverse this as they must.
Remember all the running behaviours were just a symptom of the crisis, not the crisis itself. The MLCer having reconciled their deeds, now reconciled their once hidden past and pain and trauma. They finally reconcile and accept their tortured past and the crisis.
There is will be mini rebellious moments, much like a teenager becoming an adult. For that is kind of what is going on.
Eventually the MLCer will settle and become comfortable in their own skin. Things will have changed for them. Internal convictions and beliefs will be altered.
For those that can walk their entire journey, the anguish they have lived with and endured for their crisis will now be gone. Their lives will have a marked peace about them. Their lives will be changed permanently, and they will never ever be the same again.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
