1: a person who voluntarily suffers death as the penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion
2: a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle a martyr to the cause of freedom
3: VICTIM especially : a great or constant sufferer
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Mach- first I am not playing martyr. I am explaining what is going on. Looking for support and advice. I don’t have anyone close to me I trust. So, I come here. You asked if I have explained to her what I feel and when she says or does certain things how it makes me feel. It gets me nowhere. She either doesn’t listen or has excuses. Example:She is very busy throughout the day, the baby, cleaning and cooking. I get it. Once in a while I like to show her I love her and appreciate her, so, while she is let’s say washing dishes, I will come up behind her and put my arms around her and kiss her on the cheek. She will either get annoyed or tell me she is busy not right now. Ok I understand. At night then (not the same day) I will wait till she gets in bed when she is no longer busy. I will go over and start to kiss her and she will say she is tired. So I explained to her, when she does that I feel neglected, I feel like I don’t matter and I am at the bottom of her list. That the home is more important, cleaning is more important. I explain when I come up behind her I am not looking to take up a lot of her time. A simple reciprocal kiss and that is it. Not pushing me away. She will get defensive and say if she stops things won’t get done, and that she is tired and she just wants to finish. I said I understand you are very busy and everything you do is tiresome. I even ask how can I help take some of the burden off? She would just say she doesn’t have time and how tired she is all the time. Then I asked when is there us time? She responded I don’t know. So Mach, I do explain what she does and how it makes me feel, it doesn’t change anything.
I'm not buying it....
Every thing about that ^^^ up there tells me differently...
Much of what I would say has been covered above with some really great posts..
What are you truly expecting when you kiss her, let's say, doing the dishes ?
When she is in bed ?
And the 'once in a while' showing of love and appreciation..
Are you showing her love and appreciation the way that SHE needs it ?
Or the way that YOU need it ?
Because everything you said up there was all just talk.
Nothing up there told me how your actions showed Love and Appreciation...
There is a HUGE difference between what CAN happen walking up behind a Woman doing dishes and kissing her neck....
A kiss based on past behavior of it leading to sex, yea, not gonna happen to a busy Mama....
A kiss based on understanding and participation in your daily life, perhaps one with you telling her that you 'got this, and your bath is run' Then the consistent action of following through and showing her that you "got it"...
???
Your expectations while doing so play a huge role in this. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
You said in the past that you didn't want to do more than your 50% of things.....
Who keeps track of that ?
50% could be as easy as you do everything this year, and she does them next year....
Scorekeeping will get you nowhere FAST...
And even as much as I think that ^^ is BS....
The line that is above all, what I would assume the most offensive is...
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She is very busy throughout the day, the baby, cleaning and cooking. I get it.
I'm not convinced that you do "get it".....
Because if you have to ask what you can do to "help"??
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I said I understand you are very busy and everything you do is tiresome. I even ask how can I help take some of the burden off?
Then you really do not understand....
At the end of the day Wolf, you CHOSE this....
Playing the Martyr that you refuse to see, allows you to convince people that you are a victim of this...
Is it really her not keeping her end of the deal ?
You not keeping your end ?
Or possibly that neither of you even realize what the deal actually is now...
DBing is quite an effective tool for detaching after your bomb, and during your stand.
However, detachment serves no purpose in maintaining an active relationship.
The premise of DBing does apply, and that is to do what works, and from this day forward.....
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I have to run shortly, I have so much to talk about. Real quick, gf birthday was July I surprised her with a trip to Central America (one of the country’s she has family in) the trip was at the end of August. Went and visited her family and a couple of days I rented a house on a lake for a few days. We had an amazing time. This wasn’t easy for me financially had to go into my savings. But I wanted to do something special for her and get away from it all. But when we got back argument after argument..
Why would you say that it became different, and what prompted the argument after argument ???
Support and advice....
Well, you have been receiving some really great advice you've been ignoring for some time now.....
Support ?
You seem to have an excellent level of consistency, keep that up...
