Wolfman moving forward 3

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Good to hear from you.

I watched it’s not about the nail. That is so me. Just trying to fix, knowing me, I would have argued about taking the nail out. I just want to fix things and move on.

That video is great. Women and men both relate to it; really demonstrates the two almost opposing approaches. I first watched it at a work leadership seminar years ago and then brought it up with my IC - who loved it - during the heart of my sitch when we were talking about empathy and listening vs. fixing.

I still have a lot of work with validation and understanding. Old behaviors die hard.

Good you recognize and are working on it - that's a key step.

Example:She is very busy throughout the day, the baby, cleaning and cooking. I get it. Once in a while I like to show her I love her and appreciate her, so, while she is let’s say washing dishes, I will come up behind her and put my arms around her and kiss her on the cheek. She will either get annoyed or tell me she is busy not right now. Ok I understand. At night then (not the same day) I will wait till she gets in bed when she is no longer busy. I will go over and start to kiss her and she will say she is tired.

It could be she's exhausted from caring for the baby and hasn't had any personal space due to the baby and really doesn't feel like touching anyone. Or...it could be because of her negative feelings towards you (your fault or not) she's repulsed and backing away from you. I remember my then-W backing off from a hug from behind in the kitchen or a kiss after work a month or two before BD and not thinking much of it at the time - thought it was a temporary thing - but now with hindsight realizing she was probably thinking of leaving and didn't want to be loving/physically touched.

So I explained to her, when she does that I feel neglected, I feel like I don’t matter and I am at the bottom of her list.

Imo it's good you're verbalizing your needs. It's important to communicate those clearly so resentment doesn't build up.

Mach- I will try this, Name one thing that you would like to have done today, that you totally hate doing, and I will do it , no questions asked....
I’ll let you know how it goes.

I like this idea. And keep it up over and over even if she doesn't appreciate it the first or second time. Perhaps she just won't ever, but maybe over time she'll soften. Either way, at least you're acting in the R as you should serving out of love.

Real quick, gf birthday was July I surprised her with a trip to Central America (one of the country’s she has family in) the trip was at the end of August. Went and visited her family and a couple of days I rented a house on a lake for a few days. We had an amazing time. This wasn’t easy for me financially had to go into my savings. But I wanted to do something special for her and get away from it all. But when we got back argument after argument.

That sounds like an incredibly thoughtful gesture. Maybe she fell back into patterns on returned, but I wonder if she wasn't in a mindset to fully appreciate it at the moment due to her feelings. Remember in DB'ing no gifts or gestures which cause pressure? I don't know, maybe others disagree.