Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (3)

[PeterB]

You are not at piecing. You are still at the busting phase.

Yes for sure. Just that she has told me things like "you need to figure out how to repair this relationship". I have taken this as coming out of confusion rather than an intention and then a decision to repair.

How much more attractive (to women in general) are you than when you first arrived here? Are you skilled in new ways of interacting with women?

Pre-marriage I used to do quite well with girls. Of course after marriage I considered myself entirely taken. In the current situation I might be attractive because I am focusing on myself and feel confident. However, I don't know for sure because I don't have much opportunity to interact with new women. The women at work don't count and I have not been hitting on girls at the gym or while solo travelling.

Can you be specific?

One example is in my first comment in this response. Another example: "even if we stay in this marriage I won't be the same again".

How good were you at listening and validating?

I have been good imho. The 2nd last discussion did not go very well and I thought I talked too much. She had forced that discussion and clearly told me to speak more. My short validating sentences do have the intended effect imho but she wants more talk. One thing I told her (in response to a statement that after divorce so many "couples" take joint vacations) is that I won't be doing that - our interactions will be limited to necessary issues related to our son. Not talking about post-divorce situation was a boundary that I had strictly enforced until now (I consider it a waste of time) but taking a cue from SteveLW, I used this opportunity to poke her post-divorce bubble a bit.

You listen to her. You do not reveal your cards. Have you read through my quote threads...I know this has been discussed before and there were lots of good insights.

Your quote thread is invaluable. I used to use it even as random light reading. Any specific ones you recommend?

Be the rock and a safe place for her to vent her anger.

Very interesting. I did not see it this way and I wanted to stay clear of her negativity. Will have to use this perspective.