We still love you and are looking forward to seeing you in October!!!
(((((HUGS)))))
If you can remove the sexual overtones in that, then I am looking forward as well...
: )
Geesh....It's been a minute...
I've had a lot of up and down moments the past few weeks. I'm starting to smile a little easier, and beginning to actually enjoy some things that I hadn't' exactly enjoyed since she passed.
I spent a chunk of last weekend visiting a cousin about 6 hours from here. It gave me a lot of time to think about things (which obviously I needed).....It was a much needed break from things. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.
I thought about the patience thing, and allowing my expectations of what I thought might happen rule how I actually feel about it, before it even happens.
So I decided to just allow things to come to me, and to start letting other things go. I'm typically fairly laid back, so I thought I was already doing that. I can see how I let some old behaviors creep back into my thought patterns after really accessing the situations....
I've had to deal with her Father a bit lately about a celebration of life for her back in her home state. He is a (hopefully) former alcoholic, and the past few months have been the first time he has peeked outside a bottle in about 40 years. His memory isn't there, and only cherry picks what he wants to see and remember. Putting everything together for HER is still about him. I eventually told him to do what he needs to do, and I will either be there, or I won't.
Maybe dealing with this is a gift to me, to show me that I need to let everything that isn't important go, and focus on what I truly need to focus on. I've always felt that we are given the exact problems in life that we needed to 'fix' ourselves. And when we stop noticing them and recognizing them is when we are truly F'ed. The lies that we tell ourselves are far worse than the lies from others.
Coincidence certainly appears to be God's way of staying anonymous...
I told a friend a couple weeks ago that I felt like I was both sides of a wooden Nickel....
On one side I was excited that I had a Nickel, then on the other side, it feels like a false excitement, and reality isn't what it appears to be..
So I'm trying to just focus on what is positive for now, and evaluating everything that is bad and trying to let it all go.
Speaking of positive, I received a call last night from an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. I had actually met him through here, he is an older poster. We have messaged each other since K passed, just hadn't talked.
Anywoo...
He told me that he wanted to reach out because he wanted me to know how much I meant to him, and where he is in life now. And that I saved him, saved his life. That he wouldn't be where he is now, or even be at all, if it weren't for me. Truth is, I completely understand that. I think back to all of the people that I feel that way about, and about what kind of relationship I have with them now, and obviously wonder how many other people feel the same way as he does. Not in a gloating kind of way, just that we may never know how our words and advice affect others. Even people that have never posted here, and only lurk while reading other stories.
I feel honored that I could play a part in his life, much that same that I feel honored that I was important enough as a person, when others reached back for me. It's the reason that I've always felt compelled to come back and post as much as I have when I can find the words....these boards mean that much to who I am, and the people that I have had the pleasure to meet.
Soooo...Dippy/Beginners/Brooklyn/Brookie....
You are right, and have always been right, I just needed the reminder....
Things come to you when you are ready for them, ready to deal with them and the after effects of it all....
It's about doing the work to prepare yourself when those moments come...
And the only way to do it , is through it....
Most days I am doing well. I have good days with moments of bad, and I have bad days with moments of good, with the good days starting to become a larger number.
I miss her, everything about her, and that will possibly never change. It's the accepting that , and finding how that plays into everything else, that will eventually become my greatest obstacle.
Essentially , how to live my life while missing her....how to possibly have another relationship while missing her.
All of those things will eventually add up, and make some sort of sense to me. However, I don't feel that today is going to be that day.
Today, the goal is to simply try to be better than yesterday.
