Hahahaha! Yes, I still stand by that poster who I see through no matter how much smoke other people blow up his arse. Noticed he disappeared And addressed nothing ? Yup.
But I’m here and I can address the truth. And you are right ( I am one of those people who can see others view points) my need for validation in areas of being afraid have failure has spilled over a bit. I do not need a guy to validate me to raise my self esteem. I am sure of that. Do I feel like sometimes I think given my track record SOMETHING must be making me undatable or unlovable? Absolutely. I have dug deep to figure out what is so “wrong “ with me. I’ve bettered myself and recognized my faults . Then I actually recognized I am still a lovable Woman WITH my faults . Which are plenty. But it’s getting better. For a good amount of time , I figured something HAS to be wrong with me. But I’m slowly realizing no, that my worth isn’t tied to someone being able to love me or want to choose me.
As far as why I am closed off? While I don’t need the approval of another man? I guess I take the defensive route ( old habit from ex) and close myself off so he can’t reject me because of me. Because while it used to be so easy for me to be vulnerable, now it’s incredibly hard for these reasons.
So I won’t prove you wrong. And the longer I go on this path of it being “loved” by a romantic partner. The harder it becomes to keep my resolve of appreciating I am not unlovable or there is something inherently wrong with me. You are right. It’s not a normal validation I need. It’s a validation that I all my hard work is legit .
I’ll always appreciate rAw honesty. Thank you my friend.
I have told my department I’m leaving. And wow. A few actually shed tears as did I. My boss told me as a joke “you are dead to me” as a joke, but wrote a really beautiful email handing me over to my new department . My coworkers came to my office personally to congratulate me. I told the ruses on my unit today . They said “if this is a lateral move, we I’ll kill you. If this is a promotion we are happy for you, but it’s a great loss” it was humbling and sad at the same time . When I was going through my infertility struggle, my pregnancy and my devastating divorce, it was coworkers that kept my going .the only place I felt “normal” was at work. To speak to Mach, it was probably the only place I felt valued or worth a anything , whether by my coworkers or my patients. It was my validation and connection. I kept a decent amount of those coworkers as friends. I went through a few years after I left that job trying to make the single mom nurse full time career thing work with no family help in jobs where I didn’t have that value or those connections. And it was probably the worst times in my life. I made friends in this healthcare system at my first job 8 years ago I am still in touch with. I furthered my education to make it to the job in nursing I really wanted . I excelled at this position and made the connections to get me where I am today. It was really hard work. But it paid off. But today I realized how much the people in my hospital have become my family. I love them. I never dreaded a day going to work. I have connected with people at every level at my hospital . My social worker and I are like besties. The doctors in our hospital call us the “dream team” and tell us we are the best to work with. That we get stuff done and are incredibly knowledgeable and work so well together And I’m trying to top that. And that scares the everliving jesus out of me. I have it good. Rocking the boat is freaking me out so bad .but everyone has faith that I will be great at my new position and that while ot is their loss it is my new places gain.
I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m giving up a lot for 6 % raise, a new challenge and experience on my resume. For people like me, who don’t have much, well, I value my work family more than the average person does . But their faith in me means so much .positive feedback I will excel, feedback that my presence will be missed and the work I do as well.
And then! I had the epiphany the other day when my ex congratulated me on my new job. Looks at what I have accomplished! I was 27 almost 38 and like a year into my new career and my life blew up . I had no help, I didn’t know how to take care of my tiny baby while working 14 hours night shifts. I struggled hard. I changed jobs to suit her needs. I was miserable. I was laid off . I was not the most present school mom due to my job demands. I got laid off again! And I got a job put me in this health system ( FYI, I am now the assistant manager of the care continuum at My states number one hospital! ) I went to back to school my daughter was young to make this goal. I don’t know how I did it sometimes. But I did. I am achieving my goals. And I realized how bad a$$ I am. I achieved most things in life against the odds. Nothing ever came to me easy and it was always with struggle and minimal support. Not many people can say that. And k am so proud of me. And my hope is my daughter sees one day all I have accidentally pushed when the odds were against me . A mother in and out of rehabs and mental institutions? My mother having a breakdown when my dad left the marriage when I was 17 and went back to her hard drug use! Yeah, this was to my choice in my ex. But I should be some drug addict right now. It instead I’m a stable mom for my daughter with a career who beats the odds . And that’s a lot to be proud of. And I am. There were so many days when I wished a I was dead. I kid you not. But here I am, alive. And not failing at life.
My love life doesn’t define me anymore. It only hurts me personally. I could have numerous “boyfriends” right now ( not a brag) but I won’t settle. But I could fess, there was something about this last guy. I miss him. It was so short and so sweet. But there was a serious something there and I think about him so much. I did reach out to him. Not to ask him back. I basically said nothing when he ended ended thing with me. I decided to say something . I just asked how his new place was. He sent me a picture of his new place and dog and told me how things went getting his stuff from his ex and how she thinks she might be using. I was open and vulnerable with him. I told him how I felt. My experience. And he was honest with me and told me how much he cared for me but he needs to be alone . He said he thinks about me often Him I agree. I told him that for the beginning. I just needed to say my piece. I told him of when he was ready to date for real, hit me up, and maybe I’ll be available and we can talk.
He’s on my mind a lot. I can’t explain it. It stinks. But I’m not acting on it . But there is a few times I have TRULY felt something . He’s one of them. The last time was M and the time before that was Steve . Steve is now married to the woman he met while dating me! I’m pretty sure M is with someone . Firefighter is is married to the woman he met while he was dating me too. But that one I totally am happy for because he was too young for me. He got what he really needed .
I will sign off after this incredibly long painful post. But I had a patient today. Dying of lung cancer. It’s just him and his wife of 33 years. She told me it was both of their second marriages ‘. She told me how different it was the second time around. The perspective, of you chose to learn something from your second marriage, how fulfilling Yolir second marriage will be. She was shocked when I told her how old my kid was and how long I’ve been divorced. She look me dead in the eye and said “ when it’s meant to be, it will be. It’s in god’s time, not yours.” And I’m not a religious person. But it’s not on my timeline. It’s on the universes timeline . It was pretty emotional.
I’m going to be patient over here. Trust myself self. Trust the universe . I look at myself and I realize I am really not such a failure . So I’m just going to have some faith
