I should qualify my comment about DB. Yeah, I'm doing all of those things for me, I'm just not doing any of them with nex. Anything I say can lead to a fight if I'm not careful. Even an innocent comment like "not today, I'm tired" can open the door to a rant about her being tired with the kids.
I know this forum talks about Narcassists making up 4% of the population, but I dunno if that includes the whole spectrum. My nex is of the covert kind, very insidious because it's so not obvious on the outside. I still think people on this forum deal with them in a higher proportion by virtue that a relationship with a narc isn't possible. If my nex is not a narc, then let's call it a personality disorder, it doesn't matter the label, she has no ability to love, little empathy, and solely focused on her above everyone else. My point on this is that understanding it helps me to reflect on the dynamic of our entire marriage, and its helped me to understand why I was attracted to this person and what it is about me that needed her in my life. A lot of that had to do with my saviour mentality and neglect of my personal self-care. No differentiation. But then, you can't differentiate with a narc. The minute you don't reflect her, you get conflict.
The key now is to rediscover myself and to be free to do so. And that is what I like about my current sitch. I can.
My change in dynamic is grey rock, ignoring her rants, and keeping emails short and to the point. And using lawyers when required. It's soul sucking, but at least having moved out, I have a safe, quiet place. The days I don't talk to her are therapeutic. I avoid the arguments and battles the best I can, usually with comments like "you know that's not true" or "I'm choosing to follow the Parenting Plan". What I like is that without daily face face contact, I'm much more in control of my reactions.
Consent orders are court orders. Nothing about my Parenting Plan is legally binding. We have to fail mediation before applying to the court for orders. It's an Australian thing to ease the burden on the courts. Because she isn't demonstrating a willingness to follow the Parenting Plan, I have to eventually force mediation and stick to my boundaries. The worst outcome would be if mediation works because it just means that there are no consequences when she breaks the plan down the road.
I've always had time with kids, but it was always on her terms. My time is uninterrupted and of better quality. One month on, I see the difference.
I think they key is that my future will be rough still, selling the house and financial settlement won't be easy. But I see the future, and I like it. It's coming together.
FWIW, I have no interest in a relationship ATM, including anything with my first ex. I am nowhere ready, nor do I even have any desire for that with the ex. As I said, we only have short chats every week or so, catching up on lost time. I just find it weird that this happened at this moment in life. But it's nice we can share our similar experiences.
