It's progress, not perfection...

[Elbereth]

What was real was the love I felt for him………But I am pretty sure I am right that what he felt for me was more what I did for him than who I am as a person.

I could have written the exact same thing about my ex!

Ugh, I’m sorry. It is not a good feeling.

I read something on a forum that resonated with me…and maybe describes more how I feel my relationship with my spouse was a facade…at least he was. It was in regards to BPD and how the love bombing is really for themselves…and there was love bombing in the beginning of our relationship. It is described that they love bomb for themselves because they do not feel love, they feel NEED. A deep need to see themselves as wonderful and worthy. The more they throw at you, the more they feel this need. They have a irrational, deep-seated need for devotion and admiration and praise from someone that reflects well upon them. And his family and friends love me and think I am the best person he’s ever been with.

But what really is awful about this is that they have no “them” to give, or rather that is what they feel. They have some idea that they are showing a version of themselves that hides the emptiness and lack of self esteem inside and they know you are buying into this facade. And so they start to despise you for buying into it, the moment you “let them down” by just being a normal human being with limits. But as long as they are getting what they need from it, they will keep the act going. But when the veneer hiding the black hole of self-loathing inside of them crumbles, the person they thought was so awesome is now the one that they take it out on. When you show you cannot feed their endless black hole of need, they hate you for it. Or they just decide to do whatever they want regardless of how it makes you feel. They move on. The level of indifference they feel towards you is equal to the level of adoration they once felt for you.

I honestly do not know if my XH had BPD. I do know that some of the symptoms are there. And I also feel that his needs from me were insatiable…to the point that my life, my health, everything deteriorated around him. And I received very little in return…just enough to keep me wanting those rare moments of feeling truly loved. I’ve said before that I ended this relationship feeling like an old worn out sock full of holes and discarded. I was never going to be enough. No one will. And looking back I see he molded himself to fit me, as well as he molded himself in past relationships to fit them. When we met, it came across to me as a compliment that he was so interested in me and so interested in the things I am interested in that I took this to mean he was in love with me. But now I see it that he really never truly loved me at all. I just served his needs for a time.

It’s crazy how hindsight can allow you to see things so differently. I know many of you say “don’t rewrite the past” but to me the past is just getting clearer. And it’s not a good one. It was a waste of the love I had to give. It was pretty one sided. Sure, I loved and adored him (the him I THOUGHT he was). But he used me and didn’t love me. Not a good feeling.

One positive thing to come out of this relationship is that now I have the knowledge. I know better what to look for and avoid. Of course I am still petrified of ending up with another person like him (that’s why I will be dating with both a dating coach and an IC), but I am still willing to put myself out there to find someone who is deserving of my love. I refuse to have a hardened heart because of who my XH was.

El