So I’m freaking out a little. What if I hate it? I am not even afraid at failing at it. I’m just afraid I’m going to miss everyone and the patient contact and the joking around with the ruses on the unit .
I know, I know, I got what I want and I should be happy, but I am scared to get out of my comfort zone. I’m afraid to make a wrong decision. Afraid to take the small piece of stability out of my life. I’m just praying I am making the right decision. I just doubt myself too much.
You and I have talked about this off board quite a bit, and I feel like every time you get close to this, you run from it...
Why do you feel that you lack the self -confidence to self validate yourself, in almost every aspect of your life. ???
Why do you continuously seek that ever elusive approval ??
Cause until you can deal with 'her/them', you are always going to 'feel' this way....
Until you can find peace within yourself, you are never going to be comfortable enough to appreciate what you can be for yourself....
It's time G.....just F-ing do it already....
I can’t say it’s approval I seek. I think having to be solely responsible for every decision and outcome and never having somewhere to fall back on I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. So the validation I might seek is making the right decision. I need more trust in myself
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Some older guys bought me a beer and chatted. Then I went home and cried and cried and cried until my eyes swelled shut. I am 42 years old and this has become torture. I find someone that is awesome and he’s not ready. And I cannot find one decent person who isn’t a train wreck. And I think it’s making me a train wreck. I psychoanalyze every guy I meet. I don’t even know where to give concession to anymore. I don’t think I can ever trust a guy to make me feel safe and loved
You meet the same guy every couple weeks, in the same way, do the same things, feel the same way about the direction of things, say that you are going to follow the same rules, then break the same rules, it ends the same way, and you feel the same way afterward, and then group them into the same category, say you aren't going to date again, date again the next week...
Rinse , Later, Repeat...
And yet you don't see how any of this ties together...
It ALL stems from the validation issues and approval seeking that you crave and refuse to acknowledge.
You anal-ize them because internally, you are wanting for something to jump out at you and tell you that he is the one, or yep, she would approve, or yes, this(he) makes me feel good enough about myself to be confident...
Your answer to all of that , lies within yourself...
The scary part is that you have allowed yourself to become "okay" with all of that, because it's easier than facing yourself...
The problem that I have learned with online dating is.....that you can NEVER see the heart of the person...
Their conviction, morals, character, and what they are when the schidt hits the fan....
That ^^^ can't be encapsulated in a dating profile....swipe left, swipe right. ....bullsh!t...
Have we really been reduced as a society to judge anther person merely by this....sad actually...
So attraction is based on what you see, and what is presented. who cares if it is a profile picture from 5 years ago....
Seeing the heart of another person takes time to develop.
The connection, is what drives us to find out what the heart is....
And you cannot govern 'affairs of the heart' with "rules"...
So your attraction is based off of your eyes, and not your heart....
Yet, your FIRST attraction should be yourself....
What you posted up there ^^^ could have been any post from 2016. 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021 from you.....
When do you want this to end ???
Cause you are the only one that has the power to do so....
It’s an unfortunate World right now. Meeting people off line is awfully difficult . I wish I could. It’s especially hard at this age when you don’t know who what when is single, married. Etc. I do t have time for regular club meet ups , etc.
Attraction for me is always at the heart. I mean, obviously, online, you get the visual first, personality second, heart, if you are lucky, somewhere down the line. I wish I could get to the heart first, lol. Conviction , moral, character, how does someone “start” there. It’s not possible unless you get fortunate to know someone in a group , activity, work. In the online world, you can’t possibly. I hate to say this, but there isn’t much of a other world for middle aged divorce adults these days to meet. I wish there was. I have met some great guys in the wild. Married and attached. All married or attached. Great humans though .
You know, I have been doing some reading today and there is a theme I have come across often. Just because you may not be in love with yourself, doesn’t mean you can’t be loved or find love. I’m not in love with myself. I’m ok with myself. I’m at peace with myself in my utter non-perfection . I’ll always have my “damage” which comes from childhood, my joke of a marriage and my dating experiences beyond. But they don’t determine how I feel about who I am. They don’t define me.
