Re: I'm Back after 1st DB (6)

[BL42]

toughtimes180,

Day 25 of new life out of the house.

Did you move out?

The alone time is gold.

What are you doing to make the most of it?

Long hours to compensate for D1 custody time during work hours.

What is the custody agreement?

Kids adjusting to two houses.

Are they upset about the split? Any emotions around that?

The most quality time with my kids I've ever had.

Were you not involved before?

I got the money back

Good. The financials will work themselves out over time with a good lawyer.

Nex

Nex = ? "Now Ex"?

claims she's poor and dropped her lawyer

Dropping her L won't serve her well...

verbally screamed at me in front of the kids, smears me in front of S9, and now is attempting to impede on my custody days demanding to see the children every day.

Are you documenting / recording this?

It doesn't stop with these narcs. I'm preparing a strategy with my lawyer to get consent orders in order to have real boundaries and consequences for nex.

What are consent orders? Is that an Australia thing?

To top it off, I found out my first ex left her 9 year abusive marriage to a narc. We now talk weekly as friends after no contact for 13 years. Given we have a lot in common.

You got back in touch with a former W/GF before you're even divorced? Not sure that's a great idea...

I've stopped all db techniques and have adopted grey rock.

As LH notes there's more to DB'ing that just no contact. Hopefully you're detaching, GAL'ing, 180s, working on yourself. I previously asked you about working on yourself before as that seems to be lacking and the focus seems to be calling your Exs narcissists. Not sure you gave a great answer:

What are you doing to be a better person and father? Also...what about a better partner (for current or future people)?

How am I being a better father? By actively spending time with them, by fighting for a parenting plan that allows me to be the safe place for them, by validating their emotions in a way that STBNEX doesn't. By involving them in the realities of two homes when she keeps them in the dark. By going beyond what is required in the Parenting Plan when she complains it's too hard. This board showed me to reframe her selfish time as more time with kids. And I am.

[quote=toughtimes180]I'm not saying I'm blameless. Far from it. I allowed her to treat me like crap for over a decade. I avoided conflict. I'm in IC to work through the now, and to eventually work on how to be a better partner in the future.

From what I could tell you're being a better father by spending time with your kids and a better person/partner but not allowing yourself to be treated like crap. Fair enough, but low bar, and both answers involved a lot more about your STBEXs behaviors than yours.

Absolute minimal contact as required, zero validation or emotion. I guess that's going dark minus the validation and empathy.

Limiting contact is fine, though you have young kids so there's hopefully going to be some parenting communication for their sake. But not sure why you'd throw out validation and empathy...

The house goes on the market in a fortnight, and I'm about to send a sensible counter offer. I'm preparing for the absolute worst of behaviour when she receives it.

Do you have agreement to sell the house? Did L sign off on that? Are neither of you living in it now?

toughtimes180 - I continue to get the sense some self-reflection/introspection could help you focus on your areas for improvement, as opposed to simply calling your Exs narcissists.