I'm glad that you did, and there is a reason I asked you to. And it isn't for anything anyone else is saying, just be patient and I will get to that. Just don't donate it to a homeless shelter or anything, tuck it away all nice and safe for now.
What kind of "sting' did you feel ?
In what areas ??
Mainly just things that would have been so easy to keep going, or pitfalls I could have avoided. I think W is having a MLC and I could easily still be here dealing with waywardness if I'd batted 1.000 as a husband, but that said, I did not. There's a quote I like from a book written by a divorce lawyer, about trying to avoid D. It goes:
Quote
How hard is it to be nice to your spouse? To show them some small kindness. [...] You can't tell me that's challenging. Or buying flowers. Or leaving a little Post-it note with some word of affection. There's no risk, either. If it's ignored or not reciprocated, are you really that much poorer for the gesture? You haven't changed some fundamental aspect of yourself. And your conscience is clean for having tried.
I think about that often.
Originally Posted by Mach1
MC is always a tough time during this. Most MLCers will avoid it, so kudos to her for at least showing up...
MC is also a "safe" room, where relationship talks happen, things get said, and anger and frustration, years of resentment is supposed to happen.
Yet, also, the Doug that has been the husband for several years isn't the Doug that has shown up at these lately. He looks like him ....just not that same guy...
I'm glad that you stated your position once again in the safe room, it's not "new" information to her, yet I think that maybe your sessions have changed a bit recently, and just listening to her and validating her will allow her to come to you a little more, feel a little safer little by little.
So, about this MC. My well-meaning IC suggested I try MC with W for "clarity" because I seemed to be struggling a little bit with limbo in the relationship. Needless to say, neither he nor I (at the time) knew anything about DBing. W agreed to go. I tried to set it up with the MC at my IC's practice but she was booked, so W found a MC. However, W clearly wanted to angle the MC sessions towards a transition. You're right though, Mach - it was a "safe space" where several things were discussed, but W did not have intentions of using it to restore the marriage. That said, I don't think it was fruitless.
Originally Posted by Mach1
You aren't LH, and your situation isn't his. And his advice will lead you to his result if you allow it.
Your situation will always be 100% yours, UNLESS you work toward a goal that you do not want....
I was always 100% confident that my situation would work out, right up to the minute that I chose for it not to....
Be confident with the goal that you are working toward....
And THAT is the reason I was pushing you to choose what you wanted....
That's a fair point. I just think without this site and reading about similar situations and making comparisons, I'd probably be tempted to draw conclusions from slight blips on the radar. Like currently, things are going fairly well between W and I. I'd describe it as, she doesn't seem like someone who wants a D, next summer or whenever. But who knows? And to answer your question, yes I hope it works out and we stay together.
Originally Posted by Mach1
It's called the MLC bounce....
Up one minute, down the next, all over the F'ing place...
Trick is, to stay far enough away to not get hit with any collateral damage...
Her confusion is a good sign, she is convinced that she is moving one way, then not so convinced the next.
Be the consistent with YOUR goals in what you want...
No more words now, it's all about your actions and who you are becoming...
Stay true to you and your goals, and let her fly around all over the place....
No sense in you both doing that.
Keep being confident Doug.....
NOT arrogant Doug....
Confident...
I'm trying, dude. As always, I appreciate all the introspective thoughts.
