Life has been challenging, strange, yet confusingly quiet.
I feel like I have morphed into 2 different people.
Person 1 is seeing himself pretty clearly, and he can see that there is a future out there somewhere.
When asked, he often answers that he is doing okay, and possibly leaning toward doing great...
When he talks, there is often times a smile, or a laugh. He enjoys what is happening around him, and sees a light off in the distance, with a promise of a future.
What that future holds is still unclear, yet wanting to find out , there is almost an excitement with it.
Person number 2 is still completely lost. He finds himself daydreaming about better days, and the memories come flooding back, finding tears through words, or thoughts. Wondering how the hell he is supposed to do this another day.
The smallest memory will trigger him to break down and wonder why he has to do this, and for what reason....
He feels alone in the world, even in a room full of people...
He finds anger quickly, and reason is non-existent. Often times yelling at the sky for a sign, or a road map of how to get where he needs to be...
I am both of those people at the same time, they each hold a place in my head every day.. often at the same exact time....
The balancing act is...finding where those two meet, and how to reconcile a broken heart after something like this....
The balancing act seems to be finding a reason every day to take a step, be it forward or backward, just as long as there is movement.
Not letting this consume me and drag me down with it...
Grief is ugly, yet the only way to deal with it is through it...one painstaking step at a time...
Truth is, I AM okay, and mostly I am doing pretty well....
Truth is, I miss her...every second of every hour of every day of every month that passes now....
I saw a meme the other day that pretty accurately describes me...
Yesterday I saw your picture and I smiled...
...Today I saw it and cried.
I have Faith that better days are ahead, just as much as tougher days are ahead....
One day at a time though....with Strength and Honor....
Hello my sweet friend. So, I was going to write all the things that one writes...which are true. You are right where are you supposed to be in the grieving process...two steps forward, one back..yada, yada...
But what I really want to say is this...I am so very sorry. I am sorry that you are missing your girl so much. Sorry that you are feeling like 2 people. Sorry that you have to go through this at all.
While I believe that HE has a plan and that all things happen as they are supposed to..it still just svcks. All of it.
I know you..you are impatient with yourself. Expecting to be further along in some ways. Expecting to figure it all out.
I also know that you know it just has to play itself out. It unfolds the way it does. And Cat would be saying..get outta your head some.
Mostly, I wish that you come to have peace in your heart when you are ready. I wish that you have more days of seeing that excitement for what is next. I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself and give yourself the time it deserves to get you where you need to be.
As Brooklyn used to say...the only way to do it..is through it. And you will..I know it. You will do it in your wonderful Mach way..with love and respect and honor.
Love you, sweetie. Always in my thoughts and prayers.
So many freakin twists and turns along the way, and here we sit....still...
You are correct as usual....I have a patience problem...always have...
What really sukcs is that I am consciously trying to slow things down with that, not forcing myself to feel one way or the other, and trying to let things come to me in their time....( WE have a mutual therapist friend that has been instilling that into me, he and his Argentine wife)
The two person thing, it's a strange feeling...
I really am doing well most of the time. I would liken it to smiling through the pain....
A very surreal "fake it till you make it" scenario....
Sigh....
I think we BOTH have had some recent difficult days too....
And he works in strange ways indeed...
I'm gonna send you a 'date' on the calender.....
Hopefully things will work out that I can see you, and see that sweet face of yours....
I do hope all is well in your world.
I just found "Naturally" in my record collection. 