It's progress, not perfection...

[Elbereth]

Thanks, BL42. I’m trying to be strong about it and detach and not think about it too much. It surprises me how hard that is to do with this news, even after all this time apart and with minimal contact. Logically I realize that my XH is no prize and that he will continue to blame others for his unhappiness, but a part of me cannot stop thinking about him/them. Even as I’ve been feeling so much stronger and positive in my journey, I’ve been having a lot more feelings about this than expected. I am assuming I’m still suffering from some trauma bonds.

I feel strongly that this marriage is part of the fantasy of their relationship. As mentioned earlier in my thread, they had a relationship in college and my XH had wanted to marry her back then and the relationship collapsed (for many reasons) and for him, this relationship had been one that he hadn’t healed from. So they have this fantasy that they married the wrong people and they are reliving their past. So to be getting married now contributes to that narrative. It was expected honestly…but I just didn’t expect it so soon.

In the past, their relationship had issues, so I feel once the love hormones wear off, and reality sets in, they both will realize that neither one of them got a prize. I do not think the relationship will last long term. They are isolated from many friends and family, and they have a relationship built on lies and destruction. I think they are trying very hard to validate what they did by marrying each other. Like “see, we were meant to be together, so the collateral damage to others was necessary”. Or maybe in some mixed up way they think they can avoid the other cheating on them by marrying. I’m not even sure his family members are aware of the marriage…at least no one reached out to give me a heads up. No one knew he wanted a divorce from me either, until it was a done deal, so I think he is avoiding consulting with his family because he knows on some level what he’s doing is wrong and doesn’t want to hear it. Easier to do what he wants away from others that dissapprove or point out the truth.

I don’t know. I just need to stop thinking about them and stop caring. He’s made his bed and he gets to lay in it. I need to keep doing things that bring me closer to my goals and my healing. I need to expect their will be triggers like this periodically, and I need to do things that counter the feelings that come up. I’ve been doing so well, and I don’t want this to derail me. I can’t let their circus derail me. But it is hard to ignore the “he’s so happy with his new life” and other such feelings.

El