Life has been challenging, strange, yet confusingly quiet.
I feel like I have morphed into 2 different people.
Person 1 is seeing himself pretty clearly, and he can see that there is a future out there somewhere.
When asked, he often answers that he is doing okay, and possibly leaning toward doing great...
When he talks, there is often times a smile, or a laugh. He enjoys what is happening around him, and sees a light off in the distance, with a promise of a future.
What that future holds is still unclear, yet wanting to find out , there is almost an excitement with it.
Person number 2 is still completely lost. He finds himself daydreaming about better days, and the memories come flooding back, finding tears through words, or thoughts. Wondering how the hell he is supposed to do this another day.
The smallest memory will trigger him to break down and wonder why he has to do this, and for what reason....
He feels alone in the world, even in a room full of people...
He finds anger quickly, and reason is non-existent. Often times yelling at the sky for a sign, or a road map of how to get where he needs to be...
I am both of those people at the same time, they each hold a place in my head every day.. often at the same exact time....
The balancing act is...finding where those two meet, and how to reconcile a broken heart after something like this....
The balancing act seems to be finding a reason every day to take a step, be it forward or backward, just as long as there is movement.
Not letting this consume me and drag me down with it...
Grief is ugly, yet the only way to deal with it is through it...one painstaking step at a time...
Truth is, I AM okay, and mostly I am doing pretty well....
Truth is, I miss her...every second of every hour of every day of every month that passes now....
I saw a meme the other day that pretty accurately describes me...
Yesterday I saw your picture and I smiled...
...Today I saw it and cried.
I have Faith that better days are ahead, just as much as tougher days are ahead....
One day at a time though....with Strength and Honor....
