- I finished The Five Love Languages and gave DR another read. Mach, you were right - there were parts of Love Languages that were a bit painful to read because I could see where I had dropped the ball needlessly in the past.
I'm glad that you did, and there is a reason I asked you to. And it isn't for anything anyone else is saying, just be patient and I will get to that. Just don't donate it to a homeless shelter or anything, tuck it away all nice and safe for now.
What kind of "sting' did you feel ?
In what areas ??
Originally Posted by Doug54
- Had what I think was our last MC session last week. Each one, I think, got incrementally better than the first one where I more or less unloaded on W for her EA. This time, I reiterated that I wasn't in favor of divorce, W reiterated that she felt like she'd moved on from the MR and had "emotionally detached" and then proceeded to cry while talking about not having felt supported in the past. I validated everything and admitted that I shared in the blame for getting to where we are today. W again mentioned she didn't feel she had any local options for moving out and didn't want to leave the kids. W added that she had a hard time being decisive. The counselor repeated from prior sessions that she didn't blame me for not wanting to leave while reminding W that divorce carries considerable collateral damage and things wouldn't just seamlessly transition. (This isn't verbatim and in order, but in a roundabout memory sequence of events.) At one point near the end, W mentioned that we were still sleeping in the same bed and that that might be the next domino to fall. When we walked out of the building afterwards, W smiled at me and said something joking about the sleep situation and then added "I still feel conflicted sometimes" (about D).
MC is always a tough time during this. Most MLCers will avoid it, so kudos to her for at least showing up...
MC is also a "safe" room, where relationship talks happen, things get said, and anger and frustration, years of resentment is supposed to happen.
Yet, also, the Doug that has been the husband for several years isn't the Doug that has shown up at these lately. He looks like him ....just not that same guy...
I'm glad that you stated your position once again in the safe room, it's not "new" information to her, yet I think that maybe your sessions have changed a bit recently, and just listening to her and validating her will allow her to come to you a little more, feel a little safer little by little.
There is a reason that she found an EA, and those typically are a person that the WAS feels safe with and trusts to hear all of the things that she is starting to tell you.
I would temper those talks, and not be available all the time for them. Aloof, yet available...
I'm also glad that your counselor said the things that they said about Divorce.
It's a reality that most aren't aware of in the moment. Everything is so "instant gratification" that the reality of it all often gets overlooked.
It's a truth dart perfectly placed, and you aren't the one who threw it.....
And the guilt over it is a perfect bullseye...thrown by a person who she has chosen to receive advice and guidance from.
Originally Posted by Doug54
- W seems to be softening. It took a while to recover from the events of that first MC session and its aftermath but she asked me to go out with her yesterday and later initiated "things." Having said that, I still feel like I see similarities with LH19's situation where his EXW hung on for over a year and still bolted.
The problem with some of that, is do NOT apply OPS to this....
OPS = Other People's Schidt...
You aren't LH, and your situation isn't his. And his advice will lead you to his result if you allow it.
Your situation will always be 100% yours, UNLESS you work toward a goal that you do not want....
I was always 100% confident that my situation would work out, right up to the minute that I chose for it not to....
Be confident with the goal that you are working toward....
And THAT is the reason I was pushing you to choose what you wanted....
Originally Posted by Doug54
- I still feel like the deal with W is MLC, so things could probably turn on a dime. Her disposition towards me is often congruent with how much she has on her plate and stress level...but I suppose that's how it often was in the MR to be quite honest.
It's called the MLC bounce....
Up one minute, down the next, all over the F'ing place...
Trick is, to stay far enough away to not get hit with any collateral damage...
Her confusion is a good sign, she is convinced that she is moving one way, then not so convinced the next.
Be the consistent with YOUR goals in what you want...
No more words now, it's all about your actions and who you are becoming...
Stay true to you and your goals, and let her fly around all over the place....
