Cheaters gonna cheat

[Elbereth]

My assumption is that OLD is not broken, I think it takes longer than one thinks to weed out the bad ones and find the gems. There are people looking for love and long term relationships out there, as many of our posters are doing OLD an looking for those things. You can’t say a bag of apples are all bad if just a few of them are. Each apple is still it’s own apple and it grew at it’s own pace. It may have come from the best part of the tree or the worst…all ending up in the same bag. But those apples are not equal.

There are guys out there who value their partners and are growing and would make good life “partners”. I truly believe that. But I do think you will not see those guys right away in the OLD pool or otherwise. What you see in people when you first meet them is not the real person. It’s only after time and familiarity do someone’s true nature become visible. It’s true for all of us. So you really cannot judge everyone by what you see before you really get to know someone. And that takes time. It also takes events to happen that also show someone’s character (hopefully events that are difficult or challenging).

From your threads, it seems you are basing your ‘failed attempts’ on very short relationships. Being intimate too soon also can cloud one’s judgement of someone because you get attached to them even if they are not worthy in other ways (or the hormones make you ‘forgive’ some things you normally would not). Have you considered trying to date more than one guy at a time for at least 3-5 dates each and not being intimate with any of them until at least 15-20 dates? To me, if a guy really likes you for you, he will be willing to wait for intimacy and wait to be exclusive with you. If he is really only after sex or isn’t really relationship material, seems that you will find that out before the end of 15-20 dates, and because you are not exclusive, you will still be exploring other options and not feeling as bad about it (you will have other distractions). You will have others to explore and compare as well, all knowledge to bring you closer to what you really want in someone. This is what I am planning to do when I start dating in the next few months. And I think I will use a dating coach because I do not trust my picker (I’m also considering a matchmaker, but leaning more towards a coach). I’d rather take things slow than end up with someone of poor character again. I’ve also learned that we allow people to treat us the way they do…and people are not always sincere and honest. So, taking it slower and not rushing is a smart way to weed out those guys that are not worth commitment.

Anyway, I think you are amazing. You have so much to offer. You are smart, you have grit, you are funny, and you are so loving. And that is just naming a few things about you that are obvious on this board. I know you are frustrated that you have not found someone yet. That you feel ‘rejected’ on some levels. That something must be wrong with you. But do you have proof that any of the guys that rejected you were really worthy of you? Or that something is wrong with you? I think most of those guys fell away because they were not worthy of you. You say you will not settle. But the way you describe the ending of many of these relationships speaks more that you feel rejected or frustrated instead of empowered and hopeful that each one of these guys out of the way leaves room to find the right one for you. Not settling is an action isn’t it? Doesn’t not settling mean that you are still searching? Giving up or taking a break is not the same thing as not settling to me. Maybe you do need a break…a break to get back into yourself, to rediscover your worthiness, and to reintroduce yourself back to your bad@ss empowered amazing and deserving of a worthy partner self. Then you get back out there and search for a guy worthy of you.

(((Ginger1)))

El