Yesterday I had my interview. It was a viedo interview, they happent o be my 2 supervisors currently at my per diem job. The interview actually went very well and was very positive. They said they do have alot of interest internally and externally, but hope ot be done with the interviews by weeks end. Who know what is going ot happen. But I am happy with the way it went. After that me and D's friends got ready for the big quinceanerra. Lots hair styling and make up for all of us. Wow, by baby looked like a beautoful adult! I did get some pdictures, and it meant alot to me, because we never get pictures together. I actually had a blast, It was at a beautiful venue and it was pretty much a wedding. Cocktail hour, open bar, DJ, dinner and dessert. They had ot have dropped a cool 20-30K on this event. ANd they have another daughter to go. Viedeograpers, photographers, the whole 9. I hung out with 2 of gabbys D's friends parents (2 sets of husbands and wives). ONe that I have been friends with forever and the other for a bit. We had a blast. Actually we all made plans to go to the music at the town lake tonight, but truth be told, I didn't get much sleep, had to work and I am tired. Even though I ahve serious FOMO, I just don't have the energy and sat this one out Oh, and D was sweet, the couples were taking pictures at the photo booth and I asked D if she would od the photo booth with me, fully expecting a "no mom" but she did. It made me so happy. The parents were talking about how we all felt fortunate they are such a good set of girls and that we always have comfort in the friends they are hanging out with. Honestly, and not biasedly, they are all quite stunning young ladies. But they don't even realize it. Just gorgeous but humble.
Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary, They really don't count, since we only had 4, and we seperated before the 4th. I also doubt he even remebers that ti was our anniversary. Although I hear he keeps a wedding picture of us hiddend in a drawer. ANyways, on what would have been our anniversary, D, her friend, him and his wife left for their annual myrtle beach vacation. Ironic isn't it? She loves this annual trip and I hope she has a good time.
I pulled a msucle yesterday at the gym. I actually think I need to take a but of a rest, I have been going 3x week for these hardcore hour long classes and i have been lifting heavy. My body HURTS! I may be going on a bike ride tomorrow, a 20-30 mi one, but I think I can handle that. I am joining my frineds bike club chapter too. I repainted my old beat up TV console with electric fireplace. It looks brandnew! It's quite satisfying! I like having hobbies. I despise not having much time for them with my multiple jobs. I have ot sacrifice something always, then it stresses me out not getting what I need to get done.
Dating. Well, I have been thinking ALOT about it. 3 years ago M broke up with me, I haven;t had ay real connections or feelings since him, exvept for hockey guy. So I think that's why this one makes me so sad. I have went on so many dates since M. I have mostly felt dead inside. I went through my ho year, trying to fill some void but that didnt work I tried to talk myself into liking some guys. I also began to think that dating right now in this climate at this age is what it is. A bunch of people wanting no reald commitment and just sex. I almost told myself that this is the new norm, get used to it. Rarely did have I chatted with a guy who wants to date for real. All just busy professionals and parents whos "kids are their number one priority" ( I say that, because no sh!t). who just want to size a woman up as a sexual partner when it works for them. This is literally all I get. In some weird way, I must exude that? But i must have one of the most conservative online profiles out there for women. I jus tthought "this is what it is now, go with it or don't" But I am feeling demeaned. Online dating can very well be very demeaning. I worked with a coworker today who had just come back to work with us on the weekends. She said to me "Don't ever settle" and I did. I found myself mentally trying to settle. But I would I need to? I have provided for my own needs. I don't have any reason to settle.
I am sad I never got the partner experience. The raising my kid together experience. The extended family experience. The couples nights out and trips and get togethers. I have been waking up to an empty bed for most of the last 14 years. NO partner. I mourn I never had, It is absikutely a grief. I mourn for the times i Came close, but then got my dreams shot down. I can't go back and get any of this. My time has passed. And I really don't feel so hopefuly going forward about finding that one respectful geat person to go forward with at this stage. But I also know I won't settle.
That's enough of my wordiness. I made so many mistakes in my life. They ahve colored my today. None of them, however, were from bad intention or maliciouness. I still beat myself up sometimes and blame myself for where I am now. I am absilutely responsibile for a great deal of it and wrong decisions. I am just going to try to do better for myself everyday
