6 month old baby and upcoming divorce

[Newborn]

Of course the roller coaster continues - the ex didn't write me back about a weird package this weekend and he text me today saying that he was camping. He's in the state visiting his sister but that's also where The woman he developed feelings for lives. I suspect he was camping with her. It shouldn't hurt so much because I know we're over and he is not the man I married, and at this point I don't even think I would want him back? But it's still hurts a lot thinking about him off with another woman. It somehow was okay when he had all these one-sided emotional affairs but now I'm worried that maybe she returns his feelings. It's really stupid and I really shouldn't care but why do I?

I had a suspicion that maybe him hanging out with that other girl was what led his sister to be like what is wrong with him And now I think this whole camping trip text may confirm it. Ugh. How do I fully detach?

[BL42]

Newborn,

It's a process. As you mention a rollercoaster of ups and downs, but the important part is it's trending up over time.

It's also perfectly normal to have those feelings. He's your H and father of your young baby, so it would be unusual not to have some related sadness, jealousy, and anger...etc.

Just keep focusing on your child, your job, and GAL'ing with any free time you do get. The busier and more engaged in other activities you are the less time you'll have to dwell on H.

[Newborn]

Ugh. I've unfollowed ex on social media, but one of my friends angrily sent a screenshot of a post the ex made on instagram of him at a yoga retreat (arms around the girl he had an EA with) where he rambled about the importance of connection, yoga, and how wonderful it was to be connecting with people and nature. He further talked about how he wasn't sure how much more vulnerability he could have at this retreat, and how this was a hard year for him, but he's so glad he went.

How can people be THIS GROSS. I just don't get it.

That being said, he's babysitting this weekend so I can GAL of my own - going to a medical society conference at a spa in the desert. I'm really excited to go connect with people and learn about how I can improve healthcare in my city. it also makes me laugh since the ex thinks he's so important and I'm not deep at all (he's kindly said this before, how deep he is and how much he wants to get out of life whereas i live my life in a series of checkboxes?!), but I'm the one actually trying to change policy and improve healthcare and outcomes while he stretches in a field.

Thanks for helping me keep my sanity DB community.

[kml]

it also makes me laugh since the ex thinks he's so important and I'm not deep at all (he's kindly said this before, how deep he is and how much he wants to get out of life whereas i live my life in a series of checkboxes?!),

Narcissists project. It’s total BS. He is secretly insecure that he’s NOT deep and he knows you are.

Let that “friend” know you don’t want to see any more of his BS, so please don’t forward you anything else? You already know what a self-absorbed idiot he is.

I can’t remember if you read The Sociopath Next Door yet - if not, you need to.

[Newborn]

it also makes me laugh since the ex thinks he's so important and I'm not deep at all (he's kindly said this before, how deep he is and how much he wants to get out of life whereas i live my life in a series of checkboxes?!),

Narcissists project. It’s total BS. He is secretly insecure that he’s NOT deep and he knows you are.

Let that “friend” know you don’t want to see any more of his BS, so please don’t forward you anything else? You already know what a self-absorbed idiot he is.

I can’t remember if you read The Sociopath Next Door yet - if not, you need to.

Thank you. I don't think he's a narcissist per se but I do think he takes himself far too seriously and does the whole "demonizing the person to justify cheating" thing that we talk about on here.

[BL42]

Newborn,

Smart move blocking him on social media. That will help you not spin with his updates and allow you to focus on you moving forward. Let your friends know you don't want updates for the same reason..

Enjoy your conference. Sounds like perfect GAL. Learn, have fun, network...etc.

[kml]

Deep people don’t tell others how deep they are. Insecure narcissists don’t.

[Newborn]

Newborn,

Smart move blocking him on social media. That will help you not spin with his updates and allow you to focus on you moving forward. Let your friends know you don't want updates for the same reason..

Enjoy your conference. Sounds like perfect GAL. Learn, have fun, network...etc.

Thank you both for replying. You're correct in that it sends me into a spin. One i'm pretty upset about because I'm still spinning this morning in this beautiful resort! Any tips on breaking that spin?
Like last night I blamed myself again for spending time away from home to moonlight which ex said seriously harmed the relationship (to be honest, that monetary focus didn't start until he put us unto bad debt - don't worry, I am working on myself as well and no longer focus like I used to) and then also wondered how many hobbies he had compared to mine (unfair comparison, since he abandoned his child basically).

Deep people don’t tell others how deep they are. Insecure narcissists don’t.

And yep, good point KML. He kind of does long rambling posts about important things: such as indigenous rights, or BLM, and although I think the power of social media is important to shed light on topics ignored he doesn't go around changing policy around it. He became angry with me when I spent some of our (accidentally double scheduled) vacation with my conference to bring important topics in healthcare to the government. As the medical society we wanted to bring disparities in healthcare to the forefront to enact change. Our advocacy leads to things like increased clinic funding in underfunded areas etc. You'd think the ex would be thrilled to have a partner fighting for what he does!

But as you said: How much of this is just narcissism? How much of this is showboating?

[kml]

I meant to say narcissists DO.

My ex was publicly big on charitable works but privately not a generous or altruistic person at all. It’s all about what makes him look good. Imagine how fragile the ego of the insecure narcissist is, that it depends upon other people praising them for an activity to be “worthwhile” to them.

My guess is, if you separate your H’s words from his actions, you’ll get a clearer picture of his true self.

[BL42]

Smart move blocking him on social media. That will help you not spin with his updates and allow you to focus on you moving forward. Let your friends know you don't want updates for the same reason..

Enjoy your conference. Sounds like perfect GAL. Learn, have fun, network...etc.

Thank you both for replying. You're correct in that it sends me into a spin. One i'm pretty upset about because I'm still spinning this morning in this beautiful resort! Any tips on breaking that spin?

How is/was the conference? In terms of breaking the spin that sounds like a great start. GAL activities which take your mind off your situation and thoughts of the past and focus on you and the future. Work conference where you're learning, networking, and socializing is a great one. Obviously you have a young child so you have responsibilities there, but going to a park or taking a walk/run with a stroller, or joining a mother/parenting group...etc., or getting a sitter for a regular activity. All that stuff will help shift the focus and you'll start to detach and spin less with time.