Actually, embracing that R is unlikely and getting on board with the inevitable D is one of the great DBing motivators. In my own situation, one of the best things I did was consult with an attorney. I didn't tell her, I didn't broadcast it, I just got a free consultation for myself. It was eye-opening and destroyed all of the pie-in-the-sky quickie divorce stories she was feeding me. When there are minor kids involved there is no such thing as a quickie D in most jurisdictions.
But once you are resigned to the D, GAL, 180s and emotional detachment become easier to work towards and maintain. But as AS said, do not let it cause you to jump the gun.
Steve - it's funny you mention that because both W and I did our own lawyer consultations a couple months ago (separately of course) and even with the info she supposedly gained, W is not grounded in reality at all. One recurring pipe dream that would come up before I got wise and shut down R talks was that I would let her "have" the house for four years until S14 graduates, upon which time it would be sold. Never mind the fact that we still have two younger sons as well (I didn't say logic applied).
Mach- I will finish the Love Languages book and report back. I'm glad you clarified that I'm not to try to apply anything to my current MR.
In the meantime, do you have any nuggets of wisdom based on my responses below?
Originally Posted by Doug 54
Is it too late ?
___yes __X_no ---> I mean I guess it's not too late since no one has moved out or filed yet(?)
Has she moved on ?
_X__yes ___no ---> This answer would seem incongruent with what I marked for #1 above, but this is the vibe I really get. Plus, I really do not know WTF is going on with her phone and the EA...I stopped harping on it and decided to give her space, but she may well be at the point where she wants to feel the butterflies again (credit - LH19).
Is she in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions ??
___yes _X__no
Does she get to write the ending of YOUR book ?
___yes __X_no
All of that is just the start of who you are becoming, and if you don't think this will and can change you, you are mistaken.
There is a way to do this that you will not become jaded toward your future, whether that is with your current spouse or not.
And it could possibly be, never say never...
Ultimately though, the OLD relationship is dead and gone....
Whatever happens in the future, will have to be a new relationship with newer version of the old person.
You will be changed, and she will be changed, hopefully to the better....
As far as butterflies ?
I don't think so, nor do I buy that theory.
WAS , I would say maybe...
Yet an MLCer is just trying to feel something, anything to help ease whatever emotional pain that they are in.
And much like finding an outfit for their first date when they were a teenager, they have to try everything on to see what fits....
So there becomes this huge pile of stuff laying all over the floor....
Not your mess to clean up, yet so many people get caught up in trying to help clean it...
Then eventually get angry because they can't help...
For you ? For now?
Nothing has to be cleaned, sorted, or moved.....
It doesn't have to be black OR white....there is a lot of gray area in your life....
And maybe not assume what she will or will not do for now.
I know that you think that you know her, and her tendencies, however you really don't.
You have no idea of what she really is capable of, because SHE has no idea of that either....
So just pay attention to her actions rather than her words....
Go about "Doug" business, and let her try on clothes...
Actually, embracing that R is unlikely and getting on board with the inevitable D is one of the great DBing motivators. In my own situation, one of the best things I did was consult with an attorney. I didn't tell her, I didn't broadcast it, I just got a free consultation for myself. It was eye-opening and destroyed all of the pie-in-the-sky quickie divorce stories she was feeding me. When there are minor kids involved there is no such thing as a quickie D in most jurisdictions.
But once you are resigned to the D, GAL, 180s and emotional detachment become easier to work towards and maintain. But as AS said, do not let it cause you to jump the gun.
Steve - it's funny you mention that because both W and I did our own lawyer consultations a couple months ago (separately of course) and even with the info she supposedly gained, W is not grounded in reality at all. One recurring pipe dream that would come up before I got wise and shut down R talks was that I would let her "have" the house for four years until S14 graduates, upon which time it would be sold. Never mind the fact that we still have two younger sons as well (I didn't say logic applied).
Yep, the WW fantasy bubble is strong. My W, like yours, wasn't ready to blow up peripheral relationships. Like the one with my mom, and sister, and mutual friends, and church members. In fact, sometimes I wonder if that is the only reason she stayed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep, the WW fantasy bubble is strong. My W, like yours, wasn't ready to blow up peripheral relationships. Like the one with my mom, and sister, and mutual friends, and church members. In fact, sometimes I wonder if that is the only reason she stayed.
Lol my WW is absolutely livid that my family isn't really talking to her. They are being cordial. She says incredulously, "I got so many gifts for them and they do do this in return?". She ignores that she cheated on me and is asking for divorce. Apparently she is entitled to a familial treatment from my family members even now.
Yep, the WW fantasy bubble is strong. My W, like yours, wasn't ready to blow up peripheral relationships. Like the one with my mom, and sister, and mutual friends, and church members. In fact, sometimes I wonder if that is the only reason she stayed.
Lol my WW is absolutely livid that my family isn't really talking to her. They are being cordial. She says incredulously, "I got so many gifts for them and they do do this in return?". She ignores that she cheated on me and is asking for divorce. Apparently she is entitled to a familial treatment from my family members even now.
The WW entitlement is always astounding. There are many that feel they should be able to do whatever they want with no repercussions. My WW was just realistic enough to realize that what she was doing was going to burn bridges. One big wake-up to her was when her best-friend, who is also a church member, was having a conversation with my WW. Just a couple of months into our situation. And this friend was saying how they both were good people because they don't and she listed several things and "cheat on our spouses" was one of them! I know not everyone here believes in God or is religious, but sometimes his providence is astounding.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It doesn't have to be black OR white....there is a lot of gray area in your life....
And maybe not assume what she will or will not do for now.
I know that you think that you know her, and her tendencies, however you really don't.
You have no idea of what she really is capable of, because SHE has no idea of that either....
So just pay attention to her actions rather than her words....
Go about "Doug" business, and let her try on clothes...
You'll know when it's time to shift gears....
Thanks, Mach. I've been focusing on me and giving W a wide berth. It's not necessarily a terrible life but for the uncertainty. I'm a decisive person and like to know where things stand. That's, uh, not quite possible these days.
That's funny you used trying on clothes as a metaphor for the MLC because she's bought a sh!tload of new stuff lately. If she clamped down on that sort of thing, who knows, maybe there would be funding for the nesting apartment she claimed to want so badly.
Stepson (18) is about to leave for college and his room and bed will come available. Will be interesting to see if W suggests one of us move in there. I certainly don't plan to give up the MBR, but I'm not really getting indications W will push for it for either of us. Having said that...if she does, that means things are even more on the way down. I guess we'll see!
Hey Traveler. Things are going ok. I feel like I'm making a lot of progress in dropping the rope. I leave W to her own devices and largely focus on Doug.
No Martha's Vineyard or tumbling on the beach with ladies for my GAL, but I stay busy. Could always add something else, but S8 and S5 need to be kept occupied and off electronics in these waning days of summer.
I'd say I've been staying consistent with 180s and validating when W has aired a grievance, so there's that. I told my IC that I've learned a lot that I can at the very least apply to future relationships if this one doesn't work out.
So...this update's a little on the boring side. Which means, watch my next post detail the sh!t hitting the fan, right?
Stepson (18) is about to leave for college and his room and bed will come available. Will be interesting to see if W suggests one of us move in there. I certainly don't plan to give up the MBR, but I'm not really getting indications W will push for it for either of us. Having said that...if she does, that means things are even more on the way down. I guess we'll see!
You are a decisive person so I suggest deciding that you will not give up the MBR, instead of planning not to give it up. Giving up the MBR (actually scarificing it so that my son could sleep better) didn't work out well for me. Now I'm stuck outside while in limbo and it sends the wrong signals.
Stepson (18) is about to leave for college and his room and bed will come available. Will be interesting to see if W suggests one of us move in there. I certainly don't plan to give up the MBR, but I'm not really getting indications W will push for it for either of us. Having said that...if she does, that means things are even more on the way down. I guess we'll see!
You are a decisive person so I suggest deciding that you will not give up the MBR, instead of planning not to give it up. Giving up the MBR (actually scarificing it so that my son could sleep better) didn't work out well for me. Now I'm stuck outside while in limbo and it sends the wrong signals.
This*infinity
Remember there is no nicing her back. If she says "you should sleep in the empty bedroom" you validate "I understand that feel I should sleep somewhere else". But that night still go get in the MBR bed. If she protests you listen, validate, but do not give in.
If she chooses to sleep in the empty bedroom I wouldn't necessarily take it as an indication either way. Assigning meaning to the actions of a WW is fool's gold. I know you want to know the outcome (you admit that above). In my situation I would have guessed that we would end up D'd right up to the point where it became evident that she decided to stay. When these things turn around you will know, whether she chooses to sleep elsewhere or not in the short term.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
