Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (3)

[PeterB]

Welcome back! Please keep us updated as much as possible. Believe it or not the posters here really do care about the LBSs that post here.

Thanks SteveLW. I feel very supported on this forum. It has unique and highly effective value for any LBS.

I always advise people in situations like this to just assume she is going to be in a full PA with OM. Since she is going to where he is, and without her husband and child, what other reason could there be? Any reason she gives otherwise falls into the "Believe nothing she says" category. So assuming she is going to engage in a PA. And knowing you said this was a boundary, what will your action be?

She is going to a place where OM does not live. But that means nothing as it is a cheap flight out. I'm sure they will meet and have sex. My boundary was set previously, and I am thinking about its execution. Should I wait for her to D or should I D immediately or take some time to work on myself before D? The last option would mean taking on a demeanor she has not seen previously. Good thing about limbo is that it gives me time to work on myself and I am doing a lot of good to myself by GAL and self-improvement. It will also allow me time to evaluate my thoughts regarding my son's situation in all of this.

Last two weeks she has been quite nasty and crazy. It's as if she was deliberately withdrawing from me - which is, her preparing her mind for travel and quite possibly a rendezvous with the OM. One night, I was chilling in my room when she came inside and launched at me viciously. She continuously accused me of crazy things including how I am giving her anxiety. I know that I have only been nice and calm with her all these months, never raised my voice, and minded my own business so the things causing her anxiety are probably her own issues, related to the divorce and her continued bitterness. She tried very forcefully to get me to talk about how things will be after divorce - even going to the extent of telling me that she will come back to me only if I immediately "show maturity" about D planning and post-D life. She even told me that she knows this influencer who is divorced but takes vacations with her ex-husband and kids, has monthly weekend outings, dinners etc. I did not budge and enforced my boundaries - no post-D talk, no direct insults. Eventually she gave up.

No quite possibly about it. This is in total preparation for meeting with OM. "My husband is driving me nuts! He is so awful. He is being such a child about all of this. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!" Almost all conversation in an A that isn't sexual in nature, is how terrible their current MR/R is. They commiserate about their situations, convince each other that their LBSs are complete losers and terrible human-beings, and then use that as an excuse in engaging in the lowest form of deceit and betrayal: adultery!

Sage words. The OM is divorced btw. She has known him for a long time, and she is desperate to lock him in. You won't be surprised, but she does not take responsibility for her actions at all. She told me during BD how my frequent irritability and consequent fights took a toll on her. I fully know her own role in that irritability and fights, but subsequently I took full responsibility for my actions. That has had a cathartic effect on me. It has also taught me the value of taking ownership of one's actions and feelings. Now in most difficult situations across anything (including work, play, home), it comes as slow motion that I should react in a way that benefits me, and negativity does not benefit me.

Good job on staying calm and not giving into her madness. I took a slightly different tact and made it clear to my WW that there would be no friendship, no buddy-buddy garbage, post-D. We would coparent, but that would be the extent of our "relationship" post-D. I do not think the tact you are taking is wrong. But at some point you might want to consider saying "There will be no R above our coparenting post-D". This helps in breaking their "everything is rainbows and unicorns" post-D illusions.

I like this idea. I will do that next time and close her out. So far, I have not because I just did not want to get into uncontrollable situations and had the desire to not give her opportunities to belittle me. But now that my next PA boundary is hit, I will tell her plainly.

Just a reminder that we are in a farcical IHS, living like a married couple or married parents. I am sure she thinks that even if LTR with OM doesn't work out, she can fall back to me. I am not a psychologist, but OM knows she is a cheater with a special needs child.

This was the same in my situation. Keeping up appearances. I wouldn't necessarily assume you are plan B. Most of the time the LBH is like plan Z, with 24 other plans between OM and the LBH. When my WW's EAP ended the EA, she immediately went on the prowl for her next EA. But yes, in general, she feels like if all else fails, she has ol' loyal PeterB. Even though she will have just broken one of your biggest boundaries: a PA.

I just don't know how to prevent her from thinking that I am plan B or Z. Should I even care?

Great job on GAL. I found GAL to be my salvation. And I even managed to get a promotion in the middle of my situation! So keep up the good work there.

Ditto. A promotion coming up. One official commendation per month is my goal. I have come a long way from being a laid-back person professionally and overall.

As far as your questions:

"Is there anything I should tell her before she travels, since I strongly suspect that she will cheat?"

No, this is out of your control. Again, assume she is going to cheat. And plan your actions accordingly. You've already said that a PA was a deal-breaker. So what are you planning on doing post this trip?

Answered above. I am thinking about it. No certain answer right now.