Boundaries & My At Home MLC’er

[DnJ]

Hello Theia

This honestly feels uncomfortable but I know it’s the right thing to do. The current dynamic must be changed and it’s up to me to change me.

Correct!

Plenty of the LBS’ path will be counterintuitive; it will feel wrong. However, like you say, it is the right thing to do, you know it is, contrary to feelings.

Cool thing about feelings, they are fleeting. We do not directly control our feelings, yet we do influence them through our thoughts and actions, both of which one does directly control.

One’s situation, the dynamic of their situation, can change for and from a multitude of reasons. The best, most positive changes you can affect are those that are for you. You control you. Make your positive changes purposefully, and the outcome will be positive and benefit you.

I just want to know how best to proceed. Practical ideas please.

I am glad to see you have boring days free of H’s drama and antics. Focus on you. Focus of those. Craft those kind of days. That is the what you want and need, a nice calm ride down a gentle stream, not the rollercoaster of a monstering H.

How best to proceed is that aforementioned changing you. Upgrading you. Theia 2.0 if you will. Better not bitter. Confident. Full of grace. At peace. Compassionate. Forgiving. And such.

Detachment is the single best thing one can do for themselves. Letting go. Dropping the rope. Giving them to God. And we all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. We let go because of our reasons and understanding to believe and walk the counterintuitive path.

Mid life crisis is horrible! I watch my loving wife and mother of four turn into an alien pod person who threw away her own children and destroyed her life. She thought she was going insane!

Realize a crisis is a runaway emotional torment that the poor lost soul cannot rationalize, they do not understand what is happening, or why it is happening. This soul crushing torment emotionally builds and builds until they explode. Something within them, usually far in their past, and usually an authority figure from their childhood, is buried deep. Some unresolved turmoil. Something quite bad and difficult for such a young mind to absorb or understand. So, it is denied. Buried. And forgotten.

Then middle age, morality, deaths, weddings, and such trigger and uncover this forgotten trauma(s). Those demons will no longer be denied! For that which is buried alive will come back to haunt.

The MLCer is fighting their demons. And, at first, they simply cannot. They really cannot face that long ago pain. These poor folks were emotionally stunted growing up. Their crisis pulls them back to that time, from when they now need to grow up from.

Their battle with their demons takes a terrible toll. The MLCer has far too much pain to at first comprehend and is far too ill equipped to cope. So they run. They run from their pain, their dug up torments, their memories.

Projection. Oh, the mind loves to rationalize. The hurt and lost MLCer cannot face themselves nor the fact that this is about them. Definitely not when things are freshly dug up and so confusing for them. They simply cannot blame themselves. They cannot be to blame. They cannot face morality, their fear, their pain, their trauma. They look around and see their loving spouse. Ah, the person they have entangled their life with. Their mixed up mind places the blame upon their spouse. Usually. My wife more blame the kids, specifically my youngest son. (Supper weird and hard to watch her unravel like that.)

With their spouse firmly placed as rationalized scapegoat, they look to feel better. Of course, blaming the spouse doesn’t stop their internal pains. So they run. New behaviours, vices, friends, affairs, etc. Anything and everything to dull their ceaseless never-ending torment. Some common behaviours include spending money; plenty of crisis folks run through their entire savings, house remortgaged, retirement money gone, all before the unawares LBS finds out. Drinking, drugs, illicit and dangerous behaviours are common as well. Something to feel less. Something to feel a thrill. Something to feel young.

Affairs are staggeringly common. Sex is equated with happiness. The rush, the feeling of being special and understood. Affair partners usually come with new friends as well. New people who “truly” understand them. Ha, these MLCers don’t understand themselves, and their choices in new “people” is another symptom in a long line of symptoms.

A MLCer’s path is all about them!

They are driven to it.

While running, a MLCer has no empathy. They cannot handle anyone else’s emotions. Heck, their own feelings are cranked to eleven, they have not enough bandwidth for themselves. Anything and anyone else is intolerable noise.

Time and space. Give them plenty of both. For if not, they will just take it. A MLCer would step over their dying spouse to answer a phone call from their affair partner. My wife straight-armed her own kids to keep them out of her way as she shopped around the house gathering the few possessions she took with herself to OM’s place.

Do not buy what the MLCer is selling. Do not eat what they try to feed you. It really is all about them!

Time. In time, hopefully the MLCer starts to realize, start to see, their LBS is not really around, not really involved in their life. And realize that they are still unhappy and hurting. Then, maybe, the MLCer realizes that it cannot be their spouse’s fault. And they look within. And start truly healing, instead of running.

A crisis is horrible and devastating. I would not wish it upon anyone.


So, that leaves us, the LBS. What to do? Best way to proceed. Practical ideas.

Focus on you. Let go. Drop that rope, or be dragged by it.

You cannot fix H. Any manipulation of H’s journey will lengthen his path. Manipulation at best will be neutral, at worst glue him and you in place.

Realize compassion has an indifference to it. You are compassionate to H when letting him have his consequences.

Have boundaries. And enforce them. Rock solid!

Some practical suggestions from what you have shared so far:

No more discussions about MLC with H. People in crisis do not believe they are sick, or have anything wrong with them, or are emotionally unstable, or need help, etc… They will push back against such well intentioned efforts. They need to come to that realization themselves.

MLC is completely emotional in nature. There is no good to come from trying to rationalize with H. An MLCer is driven by their emotions, not their logic. True, they are not full time consumed by their emotions and often can work and hide what is going on within rather well. Yet, the big life decisions will be based upon how it makes them feel. Not what they “think” is right. And interestingly, a MLCer doesn’t realize this, and “thinks” it is right. Feelings and thoughts getting stirred and blended together. A reinforcing soup of feedback. It’s a terrible thing to have one’s mind and self so consumed.

Do not pay H’s taxes. As you saw, and stated, you have no course which doesn’t lead to him monstering. So, just let go. Leave him to his bill.

Seek legal counsel. Learn you rights and options. You don’t need to utilize anything you learn. Yet, you will be forewarned and forearmed if you need to. Knowledge is power.

Do not tell H! No sharing about the lawyer or anything you learn. Do not share your playbook with him. I guarantee he isn’t sharing his with you.

Craft a boundary. I was appalled with how he treated you at the golf course. Your boundary is: When you treat me in a disrespectful manner, I will not talk to you. I will leave the room or walk away. And enforce that!

If you could have a mulligan: During the golf game berating, tell him what he is doing, turn in your heals, and walk off the course. Take the car home and let his @ss take a cab. If he has the keys, take a cab, leave him standing there mouth agape. You do not accept such treatment. People will treat you as you let them.

Speaking of do-overs. Stop worrying about making mistakes. No one thing you do will end you marriage. Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.

Continue to be a roommate with H. Maybe even more. I get how he still plays being married. I understand you wanting to keep peace in the house. I agree with you - if OW is in the picture then H is not. So, live peacefully, and leave him to his self.

Stop worrying about rocking the boat too much at home. You cannot nice him back. And walking on eggshells is tiring and causes so much stress. Don’t purposefully do things to aggravate, yet no need to smooth everything over so he doesn’t explode. Let him look and be the bad guy.

Get your bank accounts sorted out. Get access to all marital assets. It doesn’t matter if H doesn’t like that, or might get mad, or actually gets mad. He is using your fear against you if that is the case.

Work through your fears. Deal with things as they come up. No need to borrow trouble. (And besides, you are going to see a L, and be prepared.)

Stand. Realize who and what you are standing for. (Clue: It’s you. Well, that’s a stupid clue DnJ, you just outright told her. My goodness you post all kinds of heartfelt thoughtful advice and then go and do that. Just blurt it out. Lol. )

I hope you’re smiling and laughing. That’s my last for today. Laugh and live. Enjoy your life. Find the fun. And stand for you.

Have a wonderful day T.

D