Try to listen when she comes to you, try to validate, and thank her for her thoughts.
When she spews, walk away and let her know that when she calms, you will once again listen...
I think I'm hardwired to validate at this point rather than return fire. If nothing else, hopefully this will benefit me in my next relationship, and perhaps life in general.
Originally Posted by Mach1
She is still there, and she will say that she is trying, and because that doesn't look like what YOU think it should be, doesn't mean it's not happening....
Remember her truth and your truth ? Same thing....
All of that anger and frustration HAS to come out before anything can be any different for the future...
I don't recall many, if any, recent mentions of "trying" by W. Pretty sure she's convinced she wants out, but present circumstances (financial and the kids) necessitate us staying together in the house for the time being. But yeah, I guess true detachment would be indifference, and the fact that she's venting is something.
Originally Posted by Mach1
The decision that I spoke of, is the one you are dancing around....
The decision to choose you...
And you can say that you already have, although there is still a LOT of you, basing your decisions on what you think that she may or may not do......
And that Doug, is allowing her to define you....
Don't tell me when you do, I will be able to tell by where your thoughts are...
I agree, you do seem prescient enough to know by my posts when I cross the threshold of not allowing W to define me.
Originally Posted by Mach1
So third grade dating game here....
Check yes or no....
Is it too late ?
___yes __X_no ---> I mean I guess it's not too late since no one has moved out or filed yet(?)
Has she moved on ?
_X__yes ___no ---> This answer would seem incongruent with what I marked for #1 above, but this is the vibe I really get. Plus, I really do not know WTF is going on with her phone and the EA...I stopped harping on it and decided to give her space, but she may well be at the point where she wants to feel the butterflies again (credit - LH19).
Is she in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions ??
___yes _X__no
Does she get to write the ending of YOUR book ?
___yes __X_no
Originally Posted by Mach1
What are you gonna discuss with your IC ???
Because we as humans, really do work toward our goals.....
Talked about the current MR situation, my state of mind, and my goals. Counselor actually said I seem a good bit more detached than when I began therapy a few months ago. Again, this was my first session in 3 weeks due to counselor being on vacation.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Oh, and 5LL ??
Actually got it from the library today before IC and read about 50 pages. My copy that W gifted me many years ago is around somewhere, probably in a box with other books. I liked the part about people's love tanks getting down to Empty and needing to be refilled. I'm not sure where that leaves me, though. So far, I think W's language is words of affirmation. So should I start complimenting her more and pumping her up? That would seem counter to DBing.
