I’ve been sad, depressed, teary today. I feel hopeless. Or felt. I’m better now. I continued working in our granddaughters room to clear, tidy, & organise it. She’s 14. This is her responsibility but… it’s just not happening. So I did the job because I just cannot take on any more combative stress around here. I need calm. I had a lot of time to think while in her room working. Too much time. I also saw H get in his car & leave. I assume to golf. The change from H since Thursday evening, him not communicating with me, not texting me to tell me what he’s doing feels unnatural. But if I want things to change in our dynamic, then it all needs to change and that starts with me. We all get used to comfort, to what we are used to. It feels familiar and like home. Even unhealthy dynamics can feel like home. My relationship with H for what I now know to be the last 7 years he’s been MLC, maybe longer, has been unhealthy. We put our marriage and each other on the back burner while we fought fires. There were so damn many fires! In that time MLC happened to H. He didn’t know. I didn’t know, I was preoccupied with the crisis that was happening in our family, a Narcissist. Same when H began his Limerence EA relationship with the OW. I look back and he was acting oddly but he told me where he was going and I believed him because to me H was a good man. Honourable. Didn’t lie. He was lying. He was MLC. A different person. But I didn’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. And I trusted him.
I’ve found myself dreaming the last couple years, since Covid, of what retirement will be like for H & I. I see myself tending to plants, drinking margaritas in the garden, looking fun & funky in the cutest printed cotton overalls, the occasional floppy hat. I’ve stretched myself by buying an ocean kayak, my dream! H likes it so much we buy a 2nd. H is smiling as he heads off to golf. We kiss, confirm his approximate return time and possibilities for dinner. Everything is chill. We are relaxed. Happy. Enjoy each other. H continues to make me laugh like no one ever has. We play Dixit, Yahtzee or Clue in the evenings. Or watch a scary movie. We often go for evening walks, hand in hand, talking about our next adventure. Where shall we travel to next? We sleep well at night my head in its place on his chest. This is what my minds-eye saw our future. I didn’t tell H. Instead I left him on his own. I’m not responsible for his MLC but I am responsible for not sharing my dreams with my H.
So the reality is H is Distancing. He’s angry because I didn’t do what he wanted. I didn’t give him the £4,000 to pay his tax bill. The specifics of this can be found on earlier posts. He’s playing hard ball. He always goes to the grocery store on the weekend before golf. I assume he went to golf both Sat or Sun as he was wearing a golf shirt both days. Neither day did he bring back groceries. So it seems, to him, if I won’t give him the money he won’t buy groceries. I can only assume this is his tactic. I can’t know for sure as I won’t ask him. Since I was slapped in the face with his emotional infidelity 27th Feb I’ve been the pursuer. I don’t feel I’ve been the pursuer in our relationship prior. H definitely chased me when we met, flying from the UK to California to meet. Flying my kids & I to the UK then off to Paris to propose to me. Then back to California to marry. Then moving us to the UK to live. Our early relationship, first 10 years, was H pursuing me. Then I took him for granted and put my attention to other things, grandkids. Then the string of crisis began. My Mom passed, a month later our brother in law died an excruciating death, this was the tipping point that H told me 2 months ago initiated him starting to feel bad, as he calls it. What we know as the beginning of his MLC, July 2015. I do wish I had done things differently. We are told it wouldn’t make any difference to his MLC, that was pre-destined from childhood abuse. But still I feel I made H feel unloved, minimised and for that I am deeply regretful & ashamed. 😞 I did always love my husband. Always. Currently he doesn’t believe he loves me. I see people talking about the Prisoner persona, the real spouse, deep inside the MLC Monster. In there love still exists within him for me. Real love. I’ve a good LBS friend whose H reached Acceptance & returned to their marriage. She tells me things he remembers. Things he did to his wife that were wrong, hurtful, that he feels shame for. Things she said that he kept with him. He heard her but the Monster wouldn’t let him, the prisioner, respond. My friend got tired, fed up, had enough of her H MLC crap, as she puts it, and was ready to walk. That’s when he woke up and began to pursue her. This is her advice to me: Do not pursue your H. Ignore him. Get busy. Do your hair, nails, makeup. Change your style. Be interesting to yourself. Laugh. Smile. I will add to this Be A Lighthouse. & Enjoy Your Picnic. Live your life. Dream!
H began pursuing the OW Jan 2019. This is H natural state of being, to pursue. First me, successfully. We married. Then OW, unsuccessfully. Meaning it’s never developed into a reciprocal relationship. But because of Limerence he’s addicted to the brain Heroin chemicals that happen as a result of OW voice, image, presence. She’s not special, it’s chemicals. The physical toll Limerence with the OW has taken on H mind & body is terrible. It’s not a healthy relationship. Him dealing with OW is a part of his MLC. I hope he does deal with it, successfully, as there can be no US as long as she’s in his life. He told me 3 weeks ago he wants to Cake Eat. Have us both. He’s also said a month ago he needs time, 3 months, 6 months. Via Limerence he was giving her his best, I was getting the dregs. No. I’m the Wife. OW is nothing. While I can take no actual action, it must be 100% on H to end, I can have visions in my mind of me physically kicking the OW off my throne, taking my crown back! 👑 In Gods time. I’m processing. Letting go of the rope. Leaving H to himself. Focusing on myself within this dynamic, to identify my behaviours, my triggers. What was healthy, what was not. Taking responsibility so I can heal & do better. The rest I have to leave to God & my H to sort.
Today I ordered the DB book from Amazon UK. I’ve read the Pursuer /Distancer thread fully once today and some posts twice. Would appreciate responses on my purchasing The Solo Partner book? Is it worth purchasing? I went for a drive. I did lots of reading here. I supported a couple LBS friends on another forum. I allowed myself to be emotional & cry. I exposed fears & was honest with myself writing this post.
This entire post are thoughts of me processing. I’m not pursuing H. I won’t text or call or speak to H until he does me. And then it will be SMART contact. This honestly feels uncomfortable but I know it’s the right thing to do. The current dynamic must be changed and it’s up to me to change me.
