Boundaries & My At Home MLC’er

[Elbereth]

Hi Theia,

I also had a long period of stress prior to the discovery of my XH AP. It is really hard going through all of this when you are already emotionally and physically exhausted. But, it sounds like you are doing many of the right things to move forward. I do have some suggestions for you, and hope that they help you or give you some more ideas.

H wanted action, Money. This wasn’t a situation where I could listen and validate. “I hear you. I understand. That must be difficult.” That would have led to Monstering: “Are you giving me the money or not? See, I knew you weren’t really committed. You aren’t really my partner.” etc. Unless I gave him the money, No matter what I would have done, said, reacted, not reacted, ran, would have had the same conclusion: Monstering.

What is hard to understand with an MLC spouse is that they are going to monster regardless of what you do. In many ways, it’s like dealing with a child. They will throw a tantrum if they are not getting their way. You can remain calm and not engage, or you can engage and tell them to stop. Regardless they will continue to tantrum because they will do and say anything to try to get their way. But…if you do not engage and remain calm, it can ‘starve’ them of some of the fuel. Also, not engaging but validating is for you. It’s not to try to prevent them from monstering. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control yours. So by not engaging/arguing and by simply validating, you take away most of the fuel. You can further protect yourself by leaving the room. Your engaging (or writing the letter) may seem like its helping you feel better, but I’d argue that it’s keeping you longer in the stress of the moment than you would have been if you detached and went and did something that helped you to feel better. You need to provide the calm you seek for yourself. Your MLC’er will not.

I know it’s hard to do…and it’s hard to not express yourself when confronted. I struggled with this as well. But, what I came to realize is that I couldn’t be logical with someone who isn’t being logical. And, after a while, I also realized that I really wasn’t heard anyway. Because the MLC’er is lost in their own heads. They only care about what they need and want. They don’t really care what you have to say. So I found that using that energy for my own self care was a way to help with my stress. Once I stopped engaging, I felt so much better. And more in control of my own path.

Yes, you live in the same house and that is going to make it very hard to find calm and peace if your H is monstering all of the time. What you can do is to make time for yourself away from the house. Spend as much time away as you can doing things that bring you joy or provide the calm you seek. And when at home, spend time in separate rooms.

As you mentioned, your thread may not provide all the details about how often these stressors are occurring and also may not show all the things you are doing right. So, I don’t want to sound like I’m giving you a hard time. But what you did provide expresses a lot of engagement, relationship talks, and other actions that are not going to help your situation. Have you read the DB books? I see you also followed Laura Doyle. I read her books as well. But I found that her approaches do not work as well with an MLC spouse.

Truth is, the MLC spouse that is still in replay sees the LBS in a very negative way. They are projecting everything that is wrong on you to justify what they are doing and to justify their selfishness. You cannot reason with crazy or with someone who doesn’t care what you feel. So, DBing is about detaching and putting the focus on yourself. You mention you are doing this a lot, but your posts so far show mostly how your have been trying to reason with your H or express your anger towards him. Sure, it will happen that we will mess up…and that is okay. Just get back onto the horse and keep moving forward and try again. This is his journey and you have to let him move through it. He may never come out of it or end the AF. You can be the lighthouse and stand for him while putting your focus on yourself and your needs while validating his experience. And yes, give yourself grace. This is an awful and painful journey. I’m sorry it happening to you.

El