Traveler nailed it. Caving is not a strong move. Therefore not attractive. Weak moves do not command respect. Always pick commanding respect over being nice.
My problem during parts of the relationship was that I tried to command too much respect to the point I came off as an a-hole. Furthermore, perhaps "caving" was not the word I should have used there. On my own, I agreed to go...knowing it wasn't going to be a big deal other than a wasted co-pay.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
As far as the rest of the exchange that resulted, obviously my stance is that they should never have happened. She is using MC to try to get you to cave (and this is why caving is a bad idea because if you cave on MC then just maybe you'll cave on nesting or some other thing). So it is hard to for me to give props.
That's very fair, and I can already tell I'm going to have a tough time on the nesting BS if and when it comes around because I'll be thinking of the kids getting to see both parents in the house. Don't get me wrong, I've read all the reasons not to nest from this board...and I would *not* be a happy camper if I found a used rubber in the trash of the co-apartment.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
What I will say is that she is trying to manipulate you. "Go to MC!" So she can try to get you to cave on her other plans. "I am conflicted." If you continue to play ball with what I want it might save the marriage. (HINT: It won't.) "It looks like we have to stay put for now." If I act like I am resigned to the way things are then maybe Doug will give me more of what I want.
Believe NOTHING she says. That literally means NOTHING.
I've mostly been ok on refusing to believe anything she says, mainly because everything gets cancelled out at one point or another. There's no consistency. If you read my latest post, I'm mostly resigned to having to settle in for a bit of a ride. I have offered W the door and meant it, but she won't leave the kids (which, honestly, would be quite painful to see her make that choice).
Being a jerk, butthole, etc is NOT commanding respect. Commanding respect is confidence, not arrogance. It is standing up for yourself, not stepping on others. It is knowing what you will tolerate and what you won't, and enforcing those boundaries though calm, cool action on YOUR part. Lots of people confuse commanding respect with demanding respect. It sounds like in your pre-BD self you were doing the latter, not the former.
Please do not gloss over my point about not using 180s as an excuse to break good DBing principles. Lots of LBSs struggle with that.
I think caving is the perfect word. You were insistent that you were done with MC......then you went.
I do like what you said about your W being conflicted. She is conflicted about what she wants vs. the cost. But that she doesn't want to be with you is in cement. Very good self-awareness and awareness of reality there, so kudos.
My biggest concern I am seeing (180 opportunity) is that you want to be patted on the back for doing everything right, even when you do something that is against advice. THis is your situation, not ours. So do what you want, what you feel is right, and if we don't like it we will let you know, but that is what we are here from. But do not take it personally. All of the feedback and advice is from a place of wanting to help. I can't speak for everyone that posts on this forum, but I certainly take no personal joy out of 2x4ing someone. But I know in my own situation that the 2x4s, in hindsight, were more helpful than the attaboys.
