WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1 Year Divorced (7)

[Mach1]

A little venting for sure, but mostly open to thoughts and advice - that's why I'm here!

I'm learning to ask....never know when one might find themself in the 'Notification' thread ....

Sigh...

• ExFIL Involvement - My parents and I have maintained a cordial to friendly relation with ExFIL (not at all ExMIL) considering the sitch, trying to keep him involved with S7 and D3, because he's being left out to an extent on ExW's side with ExMIL getting top billing. So on a Thurs on my week before the kids went on vacation with ExW, OM2, ExMIL..etc the following week I let him watch the kids even though it was my mom's day. Well the day before they leave - just two days after my accommodation - he's texting and calling me about how he wants to come over and see the kids before vacation, but it wasn't a good day because I had activities planned and D3 was having a rough day, so I actually invited him to two of the activities later. But those didn't work for him so instead he showed up to my house unannounced and without me saying OK! Just to give the kids gifts before they left (which he could've easily done just two days prior). Now, understood he's anxious about his role and ExW's ExMIL favoritism but thought that was very inappropriate. I guess I need to really consider better boundaries and how to approach things going forward. I'd like to balance keeping him involved because he loves the kids and is good with them against feeling taken advantage of and being walked all over.

I would imagine that YOUR version of what's best and their version are two different things...

And while YOU expect the same level of devotion and concern over things happening on time, being ready on time, etc....

their version happens on THEIR time, not yours or the kids....

Maybe you are expecting too much ?

Unspoken expectations are resentments waiting to happen ya know....


Tell him that you would like for him to spend as much time as possible, yet he has got to play things the way you need them to be....

• Friend's Wedding - I mentioned this previously, but attended a college buddy's second wedding. He and his Ex (who I also knew from college) attended my wedding pregnant with their second child and then a year or two later divorced, so similar to my timeline in age of kids. Anyway, I was fine overall at my first wedding post-BD but did get emotional and teared up seeing his kids walk down the aisle to a wedding ceremony which didn't involve their mother (though this woman was not an "AP/OW", they met well after the D). But it made me think of my kids living with OM2 and potentially being involved in a wedding of their mother in the future. Not the family home life I had envisioned for my kids.

Yep. that potential certainly exists....


It's one of the downfalls, and emotional triggers that happen....

Feel it and work through it...

However don't get stuck trying to predict future feelings....it won't serve you well, and usually they don't always play out the way we have seen them in our heads....

• Swim Lessons - ExW & I agreed the kids would take swim lessons at the club which I'm a member of. They're constantly swimming in pools and lakes and oceans so they're very comfortable and good in water, but we wanted some formal stroke instruction. Anyway, it's "ExW's week" but I agree to flex out of work and go to A) see the kids and B) help out because it's my club, except I couldn't make the first day because I was out of town so ExW was supposed to take them but instead she had ExMIL do it and apparently the kids fought her on it and D3 refused to get in. So the next day I meet ExFIL there in the parking lot and the kids are not dressed for swimming and had not eaten breakfast and are refusing to go (ExFIL didn't get them ready!) and I'm put in the awkward position of being of the kids having two parties to play off of, get them in the pool area and make them sit and wait it out even if they don't get in the pool. Well Wednesday & Friday it's just me and things go great - both kids have eaten, get swimsuits, participate...etc. But Thurs with ExFIl it's a challenge again. It's just tough to have so many different parties involved and different rules and expectations. So I email ExW about it in what I thought was a well crafted, thought out, reasoned explanation of what happened, what I recommend on approach...etc. purposefully trying not to be emotional or judgmental, an attempt to co-parent. However, she responds with a how dare I accuse her of being a bad mother and I need to apologize...etc. It turns out she had a rough week with the kids and they were giving her grief and my email hit at a time she was worked up. But these situations with the kids going from one parent's house to another and different grandparents each day on ExW's week...it's challenging to provide consistency of schedule, rules...etc for the kids and puts me in a tough position with them enforcing rules and expectations some times. And no one wanting to be the "bad guy" parent or grandparent (which I'm a firm/expectations/boundaries/rules parent), so I think it's tougher for me in that position. Others are buying them toys and giving them candy left and right all the time to win their favor IMO.

Like I said above, people aren't going to parent the same as you....

You're gonna have Disney parents through their lives now, in buckets....

People are gonna "feel" bad for them, because they've believed a side of the story that isn't quite true, and are sorry that the kids have to go through this....

Mind you, not enough to GAF when it was happening, yet they console the best they can after the fact...

It really is a mind F...

One thing that helped me was to realize that there were "her" weeks, and "my" weeks with them...

And once I kinda learned the 'parallel' side of things....I would typically back away from things and let her lead them, regardless what else was happening. And I would allow myself to be a little more flexible through those times.

Maybe just either fully take charge and change weeks of custody, or be prepared for any craziness that may happen on those weeks....

It's not always gonna look like you think it will....

So maybe "Boy Scout' creed it......be prepared....

• Divorced Couple Reference - In emailing about son's (minor) health issue, my ExW referenced talking to the dad of a kid who went to preschool with S7 who had a similar illness, and mentioned the kid and his mother. Now, I'm very aware this man left his wife (and mother of his three kids) and had a baby with an AP and now they're D. Now, I'm almost certain my ExW knows their situation because used to work for her former employer but was "highly encouraged" to leave as a result of his actions and now works where my W landed...they've lived parallel lives! Not sure if ExW knows I know this. Regardless, it boiled my blood to see her reference them in the email considering the affairs/divorce/broken family and our parallel sitches. I was tempted to respond with something like "Oh...I know all about this man, and what he did to his ExW/mother of his kids and how he had to leave his former employer. You two will fit in well together at new employer". But I stopped away from my email and calmed down and responded later just regarding S7's.

Yea, you kinda set your own ass on fire there....

For me ? It's simple....

You do not parent with them....

They are the second for any information.

AND....

If it involves YOUR children, then they either abide by the plan that you have in motion for them ( on your weeks), or they can loose the PRIVILEDGE of spending time with them on your weeks...


: )


Strength and Honor BL.....and some Dignity and Grace too....