Wolfman moving forward 3

[Traveler]

Hi Wolfman,

You say you want to project masculine energy--and you are older and wiser than your partner--so lead! Leading is more guiding than controlling. How many weekly dates have you invited her on? What are you doing to address your tendency to RightFight vs Validate? We all have weaknesses. Like my inclination to clutter a home, you can let it continue unchecked, or you can take concrete steps to work on it. IC could help, but so could books like "The Lost Art of Listening".

GF went to a baby shower the other day and brought home some food. One of the things being Mac and cheese. My son loves that. So yesterday we were eating dinner all 4 of us. My s ate a little Mac and cheese and a burger. That was it. My son finished gave me a hug and said thanks. And went to the living room. GF replied that was Interesting. I said what was? Her reply, “he said thank you to you and not me.” I said well it because I bbq and he ate the burger. She said, well he had Mac and cheese and I brought that home for him. I said I know that but he didn’t know that. She says, he never says thank you to me. She said well I seasoned the chicken. I said I know but he didn’t eat the chicken. She goes this is what I mean I am not appreciated. I said he says thank you a lot. Her reply, he barely says it and doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. My next response probably not the best, but I am getting fed up. She just looks for reasons to attack my son. I said are you just looking for an argument. She stormed off and left me with the baby. She went in the bedroom and closed the door.

Thank you Ginger. How do I communicate better than? Just listen and validate all the time?

Let's take the above: "He said thank you to you and not me. I said well it because.."

So, step 1 would be simply ACCEPTING other people's feelings without judging them as right or wrong and trying to mount logical arguments against them. In this situation, my gut is to say, "You didn't feel appreciated for getting the mac and cheese that he loves." We don't directly control our feelings. She isn't right or wrong for feeling hurt and unappreciated. As you show you're willing to listen and understand she may choose to open up more.

How do I respond how I feel then?

When I was in couples' therapy, my therapist said the right time was after the other person is completely done expressing themselves and feels I've heard and understood them.

Or if I really don’t agree with a position?

Your GF feels HURT and UNAPPRECIATED. She is your position! Support her. If you mean, "What if I believe my son behaved correctly in this situation?" or "What if she demands some punishment I don't agree with?"--then you would listen and validate her feelings, but say "No, that doesn't work for me" and not talk to your son afterward.