Doug, quick input on some things I learned about MLCs from research and reading after my BD.
LBSs like to diagnose their WAS as MLC because it gives a reason for what they are doing. The fool's gold in that is that we think if we can diagnose the reason, we can fix it. After all, in auto repair, computer repair, just about any repair, we know that troubleshooting is the first step. The problem is that the LBS thinks they can "fix" their WAS. They cannot.
MLCs are misnamed. I prefer to call them Mid-Life Changes. Because rarely (as Cadet alluded to) does the MLCer revert back. IE, who they become as a result of the MLC is who they are for the rst of their life. In fact, if you say the phrase "Midlife crisis" to someone going through this, they will recoil. To them there is no crisis. To them they have never been thinking more clearly. To them the "crisis" is an epiphany! As (I think it was) Mach said, they will gladly cut anyone out of their life that doesn't support their new "efforts". Whether that is partying, or hanging out with new people, or whatever the activities are that the MLC manifests itself towards.
Thank you, Steve. Likewise, I too read up a ton on the MLC - articles, board posts, full books, you name it. And you're right, of course - it's not like a medical diagnosis that can be followed up with treatment. But I feel it did help to have something like clarification, to see how much W's behavior and actions mimicked the description of a MLC. It also helped me in my response to it.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So the question most of us who have had a spouse go through a Mid-Life Change is am I willing to accept this new person they have become. Even if some of the activities eventually go by the boards, likely the person that emerges out the other side will be new and different than they were before. Most LBSs cannot handle this change. Do you think you will be able to handle your W being someone different? Because, as sandi was so fond of saying, she is NOT the girl you married. And never will be again.
It's a good question - the billion dollar question. As I told Mach1, nothing has been irretrievably broken today, nor has W crossed the rubicon and emerged as something that is fully incompatible for me. But time will tell.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Waiting out an MLC, in my opinion, is a losing strategy. I am fond of having a drop dead date. For me it was 1 year past BD. On that date, if my W, no matter who she had become, was not recommitted back to the marriage I was going to have my lawyer file for D. Life is too short to wait for someone else. People that are worth being in your life will not make you wait on them. And if someone does make you wait, you should limit how long you are willing to wait.
In my opinion you are still too focused on her what she is thinking, wanting, considering, doing, etc. That is why you were mentally struggling on your trip. You need to remove the focus from her and keep it on yourself. Move your own life forward through this gift of time (limbo) and she'll either decide to come along or go her own way. Regardless, Doug will be moving forward!
I get it, I really do. If you've read my thread up to this point, I had exchanges with Mach1 and BL42 where I mentioned sort of a timetable, unsure if I could put up with what I might deem resentful behavior indefinitely. I do agree with you that we only live once, and treading water on behalf of someone who wants to move on from you is not a long-term strategy.
The nature of summer schedules for me, W, and the kids has somewhat limited the amount of hardcore GALing I've been able to implement, but the spirit of doing it hasn't been lost on me. I'm grateful for all the voices on this board who have expressed encouragement.
