Fun as it was, going away had an unforeseen mental effect - I found myself waxing nostalgic about W half the time. I mean, my friend had to stop me from texting her "I miss you" on a couple instances. I didn't really get why I was brooding over a crappy situation that I should have been breathing a huge sigh of relief to get a respite from.
It is a pretty common occurence. It is called the rose glasses effect. The LBS (left behind spouse) tends to over idealize the failed marriage and the cheating partner. It takes time to shatter these glasses and it is only then that the LBS becomes aware of the true nature of the spouse.
The bloom is already off the rose since that trip, as I am getting an up-close reminder of just how selfish the MLC spouse is. Nauseating.
Mach, I appreciate your insight and one-liners on the MLC angle. Truth be told, I'm not sure how I'm going to "outlast" it aside from being dug in and unwilling to vacate my own house. I'm starting to resent the heck out of this person (W). And I just re-read the DR chapter on MLC today, which I've usually found to help center my emotional response in the past.
Mach, I appreciate your insight and one-liners on the MLC angle. Truth be told, I'm not sure how I'm going to "outlast" it aside from being dug in and unwilling to vacate my own house. I'm starting to resent the heck out of this person (W). And I just re-read the DR chapter on MLC today, which I've usually found to help center my emotional response in the past.
So what is it that YOU want ??
What do YOU want to work toward ??
I think that you may be seeing this as she is doing this TO you....
Something deliberate, just to hurt you....
Is she ?
OR could it possible that she is doing this for herself...
To find out who she really is inside...
Good friend of mine always said...
Today is not the day that I quit, maybe tomorrow, but lets see what tomorrow brings...
So, a question.....
You still love her ???
Are you willing to give a couple years of your life to see if there is the possibility of that 50 year anniversary ?
I think that the first question is the most important though....
If we're talking about pie-in-the-sky hopes, I would want my old wife back and to live the life I thought we were destined for, raising our children together.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What do YOU want to work toward ??
Since I can't control W or her actions, I want to work toward self-betterment, being a good father, being happy, eliminating any co-dependent traits, world peace, ending hunger...
Originally Posted by Mach1
I think that you may be seeing this as she is doing this TO you....
Something deliberate, just to hurt you....
Is she ?
OR could it possible that she is doing this for herself...
To find out who she really is inside...
You know...of course the easy answer is that it's her journey. But I'm definitely getting the brunt of it- the snippy responses, moods, eye rolls. One minute she might be acting p!ssy towards me, the next having a full-hearted chuckle with her daughter (my stepdaughter). My IC said I'm probably being "targeted" as a source of what's wrong in her life, though I don't know how much specific familiarity he has with MLC.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Good friend of mine always said...
Today is not the day that I quit, maybe tomorrow, but lets see what tomorrow brings...
A good line to bear in mind. Keep kicking the can down the road as long as possible.
Originally Posted by Mach1
So, a question.....
You still love her ???
Are you willing to give a couple years of your life to see if there is the possibility of that 50 year anniversary ?
I think that the first question is the most important though....
Yes, I do still love her. Eighteen years together and three children (plus the two stepchildren I raised as my own with W) creates a history that can't just be turned off. Some erosion has definitely occurred, but what's been broken can still be put back together. Will it? I really don't know. If I had to guess today, I would put about an 80 percent chance of divorce on my situation. W is really yearning to see if the grass is greener on the other side.
To answer the second question, today, at this moment - no, I don't think I could do two years of this. Even if I were to assume we're maybe 6 months in, and that two years is down to 1.5...I just don't know. If I had a crystal ball and *knew* W would come out of it- could I deal with a year and half of suckitude? Probably. But as a total maybe that she'd exit the MLC? I just don't know.
Hey LH19 - I saw in another thread that you mentioned since your D you'd probably read about 40 books on self-improvement and relationships (while your EXW had read maybe one). Can you think of maybe the best book that I should look into for this point in my situation? Or maybe something generically good and helpful? Appreciate it.
If I had to guess today, I would put about an 80 percent chance of divorce on my situation. W is really yearning to see if the grass is greener on the other side.
Yeah once the boulder starts rolling down the hill it's hard to stop the momentum.
Originally Posted by Doug54
To answer the second question, today, at this moment - no, I don't think I could do two years of this. Even if I were to assume we're maybe 6 months in, and that two years is down to 1.5...I just don't know. If I had a crystal ball and *knew* W would come out of it- could I deal with a year and half of suckitude? Probably. But as a total maybe that she'd exit the MLC? I just don't know.
I think what Mach is trying to say is what if you take the next two years and just let W be and become the best Dougie Fresh you can be?
Can you add signature to the bottom with your stats?
Hey LH19 - I saw in another thread that you mentioned since your D you'd probably read about 40 books on self-improvement and relationships (while your EXW had read maybe one). Can you think of maybe the best book that I should look into for this point in my situation? Or maybe something generically good and helpful? Appreciate it.
Doug I think every man should read "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne. If you are looking for something to get your mind off your sitch I would suggest "Four Agreements". Of course at some point you should read the "Five Love Languages". The girl I am dating just borrowed my copy this morning.
Sometimes, misogynistic books get plugged here. Many good ones get plugged, too! I'd do a quick search for <title>/<author> + "misogyny" and see what pops up. Misogyny isn't self-improvement and is more likely to lead to frustration than success with your W and dating.
