It's okay to let her live her decisions by letting her know that you have no plans to move, yet maybe not point out to her about breaking up the family....
It just seems a little vindictive. No matter how true it might be.
IF there is hope of having anything in the future, her feeling judged will NOT point you toward that direction...
Seems pretty simple though....
I would like to pursue IC for now, when that changes, I will let you know...
That's a good point that others have made as well. I dropped the ball on that phrasing.
Originally Posted by Mach1
For now, don't try and borrow trouble from the future.
You never know how this will play out, just focus on you for now....
Don't get sukced into any conversations that you aren't ready to have...
Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung...
And don't ask any questions that you really don't want answered....
I feel like I've done a better job since reading DR and this site. A 180 for me was validating her feelings and avoiding back-and-forth arguments. Since this strategy has been present in my mind, I've had a reasonable amount of success, and trending up.
Originally Posted by Mach1
From what I've seen....things will more than likely get worse before they can get any better...
I've likened it to a Space Shuttle analogy...
When they would launch the Shuttle, they had these booster tanks attached to them because of the amount of fuel they consumed during lift off....
Once they ascended to the desired altitude and the fuel was used, the tanks would fall away....
Think of this right now, as that....
Her anger (the tanks) is her fuel to "push away" from you, the marriage, friends, family, and whoever doesn't support her decisions.
The harder it is to get off of the ground, the more fuel(anger) she will burn trying to lift off...
Yes, it took me a while to get that logic is out the window. I read up a lot on MLCs but DR and this website have helped the most, probably even more than IC up to this point.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Things aren't great in her head right now either, and the anger allows her to paint you in an undesirable position.
There will be things that she says that will not be entirely true, yet to her, they are VERY true...
Thing is...
YOU get to choose what is true to you also...
And the difference??
The things that send that little 'sting" up the back of your neck ??
Those are the things that you typically don't like about yourself....
Those are the things that you dig deep inside of yourself to change...
D.....this didn't break in a day, and it won't be fixed in a day....
Yes, lots of revisionist history that I instinctively tried to rebut before learning about validating and then trying to break that habit. I was particularly annoyed by claims (via her IC, who's never met me) that I'm a narcissist, "diagnosed" based on what strategic soundbites W fed her. I'm certain she only got her IC sessions up and running as fuel and reassurance that leaving me was warranted and the correct move.
Originally Posted by Mach1
For now, just try and take care of yourself....
And remember that you will never talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.....
Set some goals for YOU....
Find something new that you have always wanted to do....
Maybe tell us something about you....
likes ?
Hobbies ?
Find a reason to smile....
Thanks, Mach. I've been trying to GAL and also do more with the kids this summer, which has been win-win - it gets me out with them and gives W space. I appreciate your psych-based approach and feedback!
