Thank you. It's very clarifying hearing your opinions. I think it's really, really tough because overall the ex comes off as a really kind person, and in general he is - but he hasn't been kind to me..
This resonates with my situation so much. In general H is a sweetheart, he helps me with kids, cooks, cleans, does groceries, helps family and friends, but then he gaslit me and blamed me for him having the affair. I have heard so many stories of people who divorced and remained friends saying they still "have love" for each other but just cannot stay married or stay together in a relationship. It didn't make sense to me then, but now it makes soo much sense.
I think that's what drives so many of us to this site. We know how good the partner can be! And they choose not to be it, we get upset, but when they act like a decent human we wonder if we are the main reason they're acting this way. Or at least that's how I feel anyway. Also makes it difficult to fully break away.
But like someone said in your thread, when they act like a decent parent it's what they should be doing.
Well, inlaws are coming into town. I guess soon to be ex-inlaws. My ex MIL is a major reason for ex's behavior - she was abusive growing up to the ex, and an alcoholic. She was also not very kind when ex and I had started dating: never invited me on any of their 3 family vacations per year, even when engaged, and I was invited on only one a few years after we were married; made ex come back from my place at 530 AM during college when we were dating so his sister wouldn't find out he was gone; she would tell me to stop talking about my schooling since she was sick of hearing about it, blah blah.
Now it's been out into the open she's an alcoholic and has been in treatment but relapses frequently. Several family members do not talk to her at all to the point where she's not invited to the wedding of their cousins.
She sent me a text saying "Give your nanny a break the week that [FIL] and I are here so we can spend as much time with the baby as possible." I told her no, I would dismiss the nanny early, but would not be breaking his routine. She can't boss me around anymore.
I took the baby to my best friend's daughter's birthday party this weekend, everyone offered to hold him and wouldn't stop saying how sweet and cute he is. I was telling her husband how I don't miss the ex anymore and voila - like clockwork, he called. I texted him 10 mins later telling him i'm at a bday party and he texted saying he was just calling to check in. I've been pretty busy so will get back to him now like 6 hours later. Pretty good I think!
I'm going to a medical conference with some friends in Dec and my parents are watching the baby and I am STOKED. Reminds me I can happily travel without the ex. To be fair, I was the one who travelled alone (he never had!) and would plan clutch vacations for him and I. He wouldn't really put in any effort but talk about how great they were to all his friends later. His words about not caring about travelling me are still haunting me but hopefully those keep fading away.
Ex came by yesterday to drop off stuff from the old place. He's moving about 20 minutes away as there is nothing affordable in my area. He is hoping to move back here (some of his family lives around here as well and is a really beautiful area) But obviously not with me of course.
He did ask about the divorce and custody agreement. When he initially said he didn't want to be married anymore it was partially because he was starting to resent the baby and needed to make a decision for himself. He wanted no custody and didn't want to have to watch him when I needed to run into the hospital. Now he is amenable to babysitting when I have call weekends. He did say that his lawyer flagged it as odd that I requested full physical and legal custody as usually only people who are unreliable have no legal custody. He asked me why I requested all of it but that he wouldn't fight me on it.
I told him it's because I couldn't trust him - reminded him of what he said to me about having our son and him not wanting to be a parent. He said he is now babysitting when he said he wouldn't initially and I said that's very nice but you change what you say and I don't know what you'll say in the future. It's also now dawning on me just how bad of a situation it had been being together with what he would say and do. He thanked me for being honest and said that he wasn't going to fight me on the custody agreement. I reminded him I have no desire to keep my baby from him and I would love for him to be involved.
So ex said something weird the other day when he came by. He said he was interested in being in the baby's life, describing the issue before: "Maybe the problem was us?"
I just stared at him. He's still not fighting for legal nor physical custody but was concerned about the legal custody thing as outlined above (I really do think it's more of "normal men usually have 50% legal custody" appearance as opposed to actually caring). I don't care if someone has been in a bad marriage, usually declaring "I don't want to be a father! I'm resenting the baby!" seems a little bit extreme.
I wish I couldn't see him at all. When I do see him, and we do talk, it's like pre-bomb drop days. He seems really comfortable in my home. He likes hanging out with the baby and myself.
When he's gone, I think about all the awful things he did/said. It's easier to move on. I get glimmers of hope it'll work out when he comes by and it's really not fair. I don't want to start drama before our divorce proceedings 9/12 though. No alimony and full custody for my little guy is ideal.
I don't want to be a father! I'm resenting the baby!"
It’s pretty unforgivable. That being said, there is such a thing as male postpartum depression, and he may have experienced a bit of that as well.
I do think that it’s probably best for him to have bonding time with his child. But I admit to feeling nervous about someone with so much ambivalence being responsible for a baby for the duration of a whole shift of you working. Caring for a baby can exhaust your patience even when you’re thrilled to be a parent.
Can you make alternative plans for urgent childcare? If so, I would.
I don't want to be a father! I'm resenting the baby!"
It’s pretty unforgivable. That being said, there is such a thing as male postpartum depression, and he may have experienced a bit of that as well.
I do think that it’s probably best for him to have bonding time with his child. But I admit to feeling nervous about someone with so much ambivalence being responsible for a baby for the duration of a whole shift of you working. Caring for a baby can exhaust your patience even when you’re thrilled to be a parent.
Can you make alternative plans for urgent childcare? If so, I would.
Thanks. He was acting like a jerk even pre-delivery so I don't think it's ppd. It was the baby getting in the way of him spending all day with a woman he had feelings for.
I have his aunt and uncle who adore the baby as back up.
Yesterday the ex messaged me asking if he could introduce the baby to his close friends. These friends are the ones he said he would rather spend time with (three women / coworkers in their twenties) since they were able to provide emotional fulfillment I couldn't. Honestly I think pretty highly of the three of them, The ex was the problem. On Valentine's Day one year he posted on Instagram the four of them lying on a blanket smiling saying how Valentine's Day is also about platonic love, of course mentioning nothing about me. So it's a little hard to see them for that reason to be honest, it's always like what did they have or provide that I didn't? Etc.
Anyway, I told him yesterday that he could introduce them and that I was pretty free all day other than some phone dates. He called at 11:00 saying they were going to a nearby park so should be by not super soon but soonish. I didn't get a text until 5:00 p.m. saying that they probably wouldn't make it as a couple additional friends were going to meet up. He asked if they could meet him Sunday instead, appreciating how flexible I have been and of course wanting to respect my schedule etc.
My friend texted me a picture of the X's Instagram. She knows I unfollowed him and don't really want to be updated with his stupidity but she was so grossed out she wanted to text me. He posted a picture of himself saying how usually he wears a ponytail but his friends convinced him to wear a man bun so here it is for everyone to see!
So apparently he had time and effort to post a photo of himself but not to keep me and his son updated! Great. Also - SERIOUSLY -who cares?!
I was pretty pissed but texted back that they could meet me and the baby at the coffee shop near my place at 9:00 a.m. I set this boundary because I do not under any circumstances want to be waiting all day to see them once again. He thanked me for my flexibility.
Well it kind of worked out that the baby actually was just not having it today (maybe he picked up on my energy, who knows) and was having trouble napping and was crying that "I needed to sleep but I can't" type of cry So I called the ex while this was happening to tell him that probably it wasn't a good day to come by and I wanted to call him before he left his house, the ex was understanding and thanked me for letting him know.
Being inconsiderate of my time has been an ongoing issue with our prior relationship even before troubles began. I'm grateful for moments like these because it again reminds me this is not all my fault. It was also weird to me that he talked about bringing his friends to meet the baby like he was some kind of puppy. "Oh today doesn't work because we're going out to the bar hey can we come by tomorrow Thanks for being flexible!!" It seems like he really wants to be father of the year when people are watching or when he talks to his friends that are fathers. So gross.
My friend came over who knows ex and I - she knew ex before I did, since she was part of the group that he hung out with instead of me. But we all got together and get along fabulously and her career is in a similar stress level as mine so we're close.
She said her husband hung out with ex and came back and was like "He has his side too." from her perspective, literally nothing could justify what he did to me (and the baby). I think it's really kind of her to say that, and I haven't tried to go around getting people to "take sides", but...is this common? I mean, is it normal for this behavior to be totally ok with the ex's friends/family?
It just makes me wonder how toxic I was I guess, or insufferable to put up with. I think this mindset is holding me back from moving on.
