I need to get out of my head. It’s really really hard not to. I think about every text I send, what I say, am I doing it right, am I doing it wrong ? Too little too much?
And I just want to be me. I want to do what feels right and feels good. But in the back of my head it’s always “am I messing this up?”
The weird thing is he doesn’t seem so far to have issues. He seems like a solid family guy. His only issue is maybe he wants “that someone “ because he’s seen solid marriages most of his life. His brother, sister, his parents. I think he really wants that too. And who knows, maybe that’s my issue too! He’s pretty grounded and stable . I do think there are some people out there who don’t need this whole “freedom” thing and if something good came along, they would recognize it and go for it.
He is on vacay. Day 1 of 2 weeks. He sent me some videos and texts. He seems to reach out on his own will. I think he kind of likes me. I know I like him too. Did I mention he plays hockey?! Lol. I feel like he does it because he totally wants too. Not because he is obligated. And that feels kind of good
I’m definitely kind of stuck right now too and I need to try something new. Old me in this situation would think of every reasons why it couldn’t possibly work and self sabotage. Old me would also try to control the situation, trying to find a way to make sure he does what he needs to do at this point in his life.
But that’s on him. He is a big boy and can decide what’s right for him. I’m not going to try to guide him into the stages “i” think he needs to go through post divorce. It’s different for everyone. That other guy….. I got rid of him again. He is deep in his stage of selfishness and not wanting to deal with anyone and having his cake and eating it too….: but he wants to still remain the super nice guy. Nah. Doesn’t work for me. That is his post divorce path. My hockey player ? That doesn’t have to be his too. He can choose to want to date me because he likes me.
As far as D. She is continuing in her path of normality. She wants to spend time with her dad and family. They are all going To the shore tomorrow for her cousins b day. In 2 weeks she leaves on vacation.
How do I feel about it all? My anger is softening but it’s still there. Honestly, I do want him to suffer in some way. Not in a way that makes my daughter suffer though. And I want to see him hurt more than his wife. I am legit frustrated he goes on living this life while doing whatever he wants while I sit here and work like a million jobs, take care of everything and pretty much go unseen. The one place I might actually be appreciated in this world is work, even though I didn’t even get that position. One part of me wants to stay right where I am. The other part wants to venture out a little and use my skills in a more advanced position. And pretty much? I desire to work just a regular workweek and stay afloat .
For now, I just keep putting one foot in front of another. It’s all I can do.
BTW, B- I totally saw that movie so many years ago and I loved it. She was just so comfortable in her own skin eventually. I need to rewatch!
