Reeling, know my post comes from a place of kindness. I hope you’re going okay today.
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This is not my only reason for saying this. We have had very honest conversations (please believe me on this) and he has told me more than once that there is nobody else, there was nobody else and he will tell me if there ever is anybody else, before I find out from someone else.
My wife said those things. We went to church together with our kids. We had marriage counselling with the pastor where she said all of those things your partner is saying. All her friends and family told me there was no-one else. The only problem with all of that … is she was banging one of the Dad’s in my son’s football team, and singing hymns on the weekend.
No-one’s spouse is ever having an emotional or physical affair - until suddenly they are. You need to drop this rope of naive trust and accept it as a possibility. We aren’t saying it to hurt you - why would we do that? You seem very vulnerable at times, so we are hoping to prepare you for one possible outcome.
I agree with Steve 100%. There’s some concerning levels of acute grief in your posts. Completely understandable? Absolutely! It’s the worst feeling in the world to be on the receiving end of a relationship hand grenade. But you need to seek personal counselling as a matter of priority. Your doctor might be able to set something up? Or maybe your workplace has an employee assistance program with access to counselling? Please prioritise this.
The best thing you can do for your mental health during times of acute grief is to exercise extremely heavily. I’ve written other posts about this, so use the search function. You should be doing 2+ hours of high intensity exercise and weights programs. You should be collapsing into your bed at night.
Your NY trip didn’t work, because it was an attempted manipulation. Part of you did it to get a reaction, light a fire under his arse and now you’re disappointed it hasn’t worked. Don’t EVER do anything to try and manipulate your partner into getting back with you. It will fail every, single time. You get a life and go to New York to detach, discover yourself, occupy your brain, and to start getting used to finding your own happiness from within - not to make someone miss you.
You can do NOTHING to win him back. The harder you try, the less successful you will be. He needs to realise what he has lost for himself, otherwise it’s only temporary. You, your family, his friends, his work colleagues - none of them can make a difference. Either he works it out, or he doesn’t.
These situations can last 2, 3, 5 or 10 years. Are you going to waste 10 years of your life hoping he wakes up?
Given you can’t change him or the situation, you’d be better off spending that 10 years kicking life’s butt and being the greatest Reeling you can possibly be. If he comes back… great! If he doesn’t, you haven’t wasted 10 years of your life and you’ve learnt to find your happiness from within.
Going dark isn’t to elicit a response. It’s not a nerve test to see who cracks first. Going dark is actually a self preservation technique for the LBS.
I’ll say it again just to make it clear - NOTHING you can do, say, not do, not say, show him, or not show him is going to get him back. You’re a passenger on this wild ride, not the conductor. Time to drop the rope and concentrate only what you CAN control (which is you and your life BTW)!
