Is it a MLC or??

[SteveLW]

Thanks so much SteveLW for taking so much time to respond to my post. It's very kind of you and I really appreciate it. I think I've misunderstood what DB is all about. From what you're saying it appears to be something I'm supposed to do for myself and in doing so, there MAY be a side-effect that means my WAH comes back. My understanding was that DB was aimed at bringing him back - and saving my marriage. This is based on me having read The Divorce Remedy, which literally has this in the title: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage.

I have been through torture since he walked out and the uncertainty is killing me. I have decided I need to have The Talk with him, for my own sake, not his. If it makes him run further, so be it. I sense that he is conflicted about what to do but my mental health can't take the waiting around while he decides. I want to ask him if he will consider marriage coaching (not counseling) with me. If he says no, I have my answer and at that point, I will move on with my life.

Thank you again for all your advice.

Reeling, yes that is the thing with DBing. IF you DB in order to save your marriage, your WAS will detect that and be resistant. If you go off and DB in order to move yourself forward, sometimes the WAS will get interested and come poking around to see why the LBS is not doing what they expected them to do.

Your WAS expects you to be sad, clingy, reach out, beg, become the perfect spouse, to be able to pretty much do whatever they want. We call it the fantasy bubble. They think they can have their cake and eat it to. So many LBSs have used their WAS while they are most vulnerable. This is especially true with WAHs but we've seen WAWs that have come around looking for sex. Then when they get what they want, whether it is sex, or items from the house, or money, they go right back to being obstinate again.

During my situations (I had two, 12 years apart), I read a ton of anti-divorce experts. And even though their books had catchy titles like "Save Your Marriage, NOW!" or "Divorce Remedy" etc, the crux of the advice was that IF your WAS decides D is what they want, there is nothing you can do to stop it. But if you are willing to put difficult actions into place, like NO R talks, ever! Or GAL and doing your best to forget what they are doing! Or to emotionally detach (some referred to it as self-differentiation), then the WAS might start questioning what they are doing.

Here it is the basic form. It is the epitome of something called the distance-pursuit dynamic. (Google it!) If your WAH feels like all he has to do is snap his fingers to get you back, then the likelihood of him coming back is very small. If he feels like he is in danger of losing you, there is a better chance he will go "What am I thinking???" And start questioning what he is doing. It is like playing with a dog. If you chase a dog, it will run from you. But the minute you stop chasing, the dog will stop running away. And if you go back the other way, the dog will start chasing you! WASs are the same way.

So yes, this is where DBing becomes counter-intuitive. Your best chance and saving your marriage is to STOP trying to save it. This is why so many LBSs (myself included!) struggle with the concept of DBing. Because every instinct tells you to love-bomb them. To be in contact with them as much as possible. To give them gifts, to remind them you love them, to insist to them that you do not want a D! But those are the behaviors that drive them away.

Here is my advice. Find a neighbor that an open to the jar for you. Go dark. When your WAH eventually contacts you (and I believe that he will IF you can go long enough without reaching out to him), to see when you want him to come open the jar, you can say "Oh, I had Tom open it. The pickles were delicious." And leave it at that! It will start work on his mind like a brain worm. "Who is Tom? Why is he opening pickles for her? Why didn't she keep texting me to come open them? Is she moving on?!?!" THAT is the dynamic you are going for here.

The beauty of DBing is that we struggle with it.....until we don't! I can remember when I first started seeing my W question what she was doing. It was after she had asked me if she could buy books on interviewing. (Her plan was to get a job, get an apartment, and to get a D.) I told her to buy whatever she felt she needed. She then spent an evening and most of the next day updating her resume. I left her completely alone and just went on with things I needed to do. That evening she came into the living room tearfully expressing that she felt what she was doing was wrong. I remained completely unemotional, and listened and validated. When she went back into the home office, I went into the master bedroom and broke down! My embracing her plan to leave me was actually causing her to question the plan! COUNTER-INTUITIVE!!

One last bit of advice. Divorce Remedy is a difficult read to absorb all in one reading. The most successful DBers read the book 2,3 even 4 times! That is what I would suggest you do, reread it through the lens of what I just described to you. I would especially concentrate on the Last Resort Technique. I think that is the perfect technique for your situation.