It's progress, not perfection...

[Elbereth]

Hello everyone. I read and mulled over all your messages, and today I spoke with my IC and discussed many of them with her as well. Thank you so much for this dialog...it's definitely a tough topic in that there really are no set rules around this. And it's different for everyone.

What I've come to understand is that it isn't about me trusting someone else as much as it's about me trusting myself - trusting myself to be a good judge of character, trusting that I can take care of myself and my emotional health.

I am not sure I trust myself to be the best judge of character. That is why I want to take things slow and have a coach as well as my IC to support me with the process of trying. I've had very few romantic relationships, so I'm not well practiced. I can't learn how to ride a bike just by reading about it. I have to try to do it to learn and practice. However, I trust that I would survive another bad experience. I know I can take care of myself...and I know that my emotional health is my responsibility.

We all come out of this with scars and issues. It’s how we recognize them, what we learn from them etc. no one has these issues perfectly worked through. And if people didn’t date until they were, we would probably never date. Unless those issues have the capability of hurting a dating partner, then, well, I agree with your IC. She probably sees more of fears, rather than issues you need to work through on the dating front. The 2 can be confused often. And the best thing to do for our fears is work through them.

This is a good point. I'm making effort to be a better human and partner. I'm also making effort to find someone who is also on that same path. I don't see how that mindset is one that would cause harm to others. The only partners that might be uncomfortable with where I am at are those that are not trying to be a better human or do not want to be open with feelings and struggles. And I don't want that kind of person in my life.

The question is …. What is healed “enough”? How is that defined?

I hope to never stop growing...does that mean I shouldn't date until I am done? Because if it is, I'll never be done.

I can only speak for myself, so this is my own definition, a standard I hold for myself: being whole as an individual. not looking for a relationship to fill a void, because there's no void to fill.

Put another way: I know that I trust myself.

I know that trusting myself means that regardless of external circumstances, I can take care of myself, my inner self, in ways that I couldn't before BD.

Betrayal is a biotch, but the biggest betrayal is when we betray ourselves - our values, our instincts, our inner voice. I don't claim to have all the answers or even some. I just know that I trust myself more than I ever have, and I won't betray myself, my values, my inner guide.

I've grown to understand over time that I did betray myself, my intuition, my self-respect, etc. I allowed myself to put my XH first. I ignored a lot of things that were happening. I've forgiven myself for what I realized I've done. And I intend to be different and never betray myself again.

The void of emotional romantic intimacy should only be filled by the same. I’m pretty whole in most areas of my life. Do I feel a void in my romantic life? Absolutely! Is it because I need external validation from others or to make me feel whole overall I’m other areas I don’t? Absolutely not.

For me, and others I know, emotional and romantic intimacy and partnership is a void that can’t be filled by a new hobby. For me, this is my healthy stage to get out there. Am I perfect? No. Do I have it all figured out in the dating world? No way. But am I filling the dating pool with someone who hasn’t “healed enough “? I don’t think so.

I agree with this. Truth is there pool will always be filled with unhealed people. My 'job' is to be my honest self and to seek out others that are on a journey of self-development and 'liberated love'. Just because the pool is filled with bad apples, doesn't mean there are not good ones there as well. Or that I need to be perfect before I have a 'right' to date. I am not seeking 'any decent relationship'. My goal is a long-term mutually healthy relationship. And, there is no replacement for romantic connection. No matter how full my life is, nothing can fill that except a romantic connection.

The last hurdle was forgiving myself, that I wouldn't be that person again....

This! Yes! I didn't deserve what my XH did to me, but I also allowed a lot of his poor behavior's towards me as well. And I had a few of my own that I am working on (codependency and people-pleasing to name the big ones)... I've accepted and forgiven myself and I'm growing and learning so that I will never be that person again.

Additionally it's also where you are no longer fighting "the last war". Where your former partner, the good, the bad, the whatever has no bearing on the person you might match up with. Certainly learning lessons like "hoarders can be difficult to live with" is important of course.

In my admittedly small experience with dating I have found that what some people are looking for is a more acceptable version of the person they used to have in their lives. In both cases the person I was dating tried to change my behaviour and lifestyle to match what they were used to. I'll keep buttoning up my shirt and not wearing gold chains, and it will be me that writes cards and picks out presents for my own children - thank you very much crazy

And at least from my point of view there's more out to the question than just "healed enough". There's also the willingness to open yourself up to another, to take risks and to have the "space" in your life that could be occupied by another.

I no longer want my ex and I want a relationship that is so much different than what mine was, that I do not think I will be searching for his replacement. He tried to change me a lot. I want a different kind of love this time around. And discussing the dating idea shows I'm open to it and thus ready for it.

For me the first stage towards healed and whole, was knowing. The understanding of those values and beliefs I am strengthening and I aspire to. Oddly, the second step was feeling it. Emotionally connecting to trusting and such. A mind and heart union as it were. Lastly, is believing it. I liken it to the soul. This is one’s faith in self. Beyond knowing. Beyond feeling. And encompassing both.

Everyone sees the world through their own lens. A person who has difficultly extending trust to others, has difficult trusting themselves. They may know the trust they are after, yet at this time not feel or have faith within themselves. Respect, compassion, forgiveness, loyalty, etc. all similarly extended, or not.

The principles of self shine outward. One is open to others. Has faith in their fellow man. And can risk gain. A healed person will be ok when/if they get hurt. They do not fear being destroyed again. There is a strength in such knowledge and faith.

I think what I have discovered is that I always knew who I was at my core...I just let others define or tell me who I am in order to please them. I feel lost in where I am going...but I'm just coming out of all the things holding me back. And hell, the future I planned on was taken from me. So of course I'm still figuring it out. I'm forward-looking even if I don't have all the answers yet. I'm in the discovery phase...that's a better way to describe it. I do not want to be destroyed again. Call that fear if you like. But to me, it's the knowledge that drives me to become a better me, to learn how to have better relationships, and to seek someone else who has similar values, character, goals, etc. And I already survived twice and I know I'd survive if it happens again.

I haven't settled into my new apartment fully, and I'm deep into a training course, so I'm not in some rush to start dating and I'm not rushed to fill some void. But my heart and mind are open to the idea and I'm leaning toward making a conscious effort with dating in the coming months. I welcome any additional thoughts you all might have for me.

El