Doug, being more emotionally present doesn't mean pressure and pursuit. This is a common mistake LBSs make. "I was emotionally absent during our MR, so in limbo I need to become super-spouse! I need to pursue and pressure. Etc."
As V19 said, you don't need to rescue her to be more emotionally present. And you should NOT use emotional presence as an excuse to break other DBing principles. You let her be the one to initiate contact/interaction. When she does you listen and validate. Be fully emotionally present through the interaction, but then be the one that is busy and needs to end the interaction.
- Let her initiate interactions - Be emotionally present, leaning on sandi's rules, and listen and validate during the interaction - Be the one that ends the interaction "I need to be somewhere....."
Thanks, Steve. I actually identified with several of your pre-180 behaviors in your marriage, particularly the tv-in-another-room-from-the-family thing. I sought a respite from the noise and chaos of so many kids. So, as noted, my initial reaction was to remedy this behavior and "be more available." I have not pursued since coming across DB and this board, but it sometimes feels like a balance for me. I appreciate your clarification and reminder. I've had a lot of slip-ups. Yesterday W got onto me for acting moody and volatile when I got home....which is like the pot calling the kettle black, but whatever.
