And you can't work relationship fears if you are not dating...at least that is what my IC has discussed with me. For example, I can't work on romantic trust without someone there to romantically trust...
Is that really the only way? I'm not sure I entirely agree. What I've come to understand is that it isn't about me trusting someone else as much as it's about me trusting myself - trusting myself to be a good judge of character, trusting that I can take care of myself and my emotional health.
Once you are solid within yourself, my belief is that the rest will just flow naturally.
as far as reaching out to AP's exh ... I found out about my exh's AP two years ago. I didn't do the typical things like search for her address, or social media or anything like that. At one point though, many many months after finding out I did a search and found that her husband filed 13 months after my BD. I wondered about their relationship. Were they separated when she took up with my husband? Were they still living together? When did he find out about the affair? What prompted him to finally file? Did he know how they met or where?
I allowed these questions to flow across the tv screen in my mind, without judgment or any effort to stop them. Eventually the questions changed: Would it change my present life to know how they met? How he found out about their affair? Would it change my relationship with my exh or have changed the outcome of my marriage to have any of these questions answered? Would my questions make him re-live something painful or stir up possible hostilities? Whatever happened between the three of them, I feel like I'm better off staying out of this, for my own peace of mind and the peace of mind of my son. That's their karma. Not mine. And I certainly don't want to add to another's pain.
My conclusion was that the outcome is what it is, and most likely her husband doesn't have the missing puzzle pieces either. The only two people who could satisfactorily answer my questions are proven liars with something to hide. Some things I'm better off not fretting about. It just becomes a distraction and avoidance of my daily life.
Hope this helps.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
