It's progress, not perfection...

[Elbereth]

Hello everyone,

As for dating again...

One should, needs to, get their emotions, mind, head and heart, and values and convictions in order before entangling someone else into the mix. I do not agree with the advice of using a date to help you through your journey. Deal with your issues, then date if you want too.

I'm with DnJ on this one. If you're ready to date, go for it, but don't do it as a means to process through your emotional issues. That's not a good idea.

I'm not sure that I agree with this just yet... You admittedly are having some troubles with coming through this,. Feelings of being Jaded and still seems to be a lot of anger built up inside. And maybe going on a few dates would be good, yet somehow I don't feel as if that is the person that you want to put out there. ???

To me, I think you are heading in the right direction. Just finding out who YOU are through all of this.... Yes, you could possibly have some validating interactions, albeit external validation, and that only lasts for so long. It comes down to how you validate yourself that really matters... Imagine that you are once again that 6 year old girl, imagining her prince rescuing her from the tower..

Except when he finds you, you aren't whole and ready for that ??? Who is the person that you want to show the world everyday ?? THAT is the person that you should be searching for IMHO.... Find her.....

I hear all of you. And I think I need to provide a little more context that my IC discussed with me to really hash this out. I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with what has happened to me. I've read a lot of books, listened to podcasts, and had several months of IC. I do feel that I know who I am, and what I need to work on for myself, and I have an understanding of my role in the collapse of my marriage. I do have a pretty solid view of my mind, head, values and convictions. What I am still struggling with is feeling numb and shut down from exhaustion. My MR was collapsing for 2-3 years before BD, so IC feels that it's the long timeline of stressors that has me numb more than my mindset. I fear trusting a partner again. I fear getting involved with another narcissist again. I am introverted and I like being alone, but I also need others in my life to help me grow, heal and enjoy my life. I'm in the place where I no longer want my H back. I know I want and deserve better. Of course, I'm still angry about it...but not in the sense that I'm angry all of the time. I don't think anyone really gets passed the unfairness of it all. But I'm not stuck on the anger, I'm looking forward. And I am personally not in a rush to lock myself into a new relationship. I don't feel like I have to have someone in my life. But I know I want to eventually. And you can't work relationship fears if you are not dating...at least that is what my IC has discussed with me. For example, I can't work on romantic trust without someone there to romantically trust...

So I don't see it as rushing into another relationship or using people to heal my issues. My goal is to eventually be in a long-term relationship again. So, the goal is still seeking a long-term relationship, it's just I'll need help with the "process" of finding that. I am hoping to go about it with a dating coach as well as coaching from my counselor and I would take things very slow. And, I wouldn't even start this process for another month or so, as I'm still dealing with my move and a training course. I'm fine where I am at the moment and will continue to explore the idea...and I'm fine with only doing it when I am ready.

As for reaching out to the OWs XH...

I’d not reach out to XH’s OW’s H (or is he XH yet?). I do not see much benefit coming from ripping open that scar, for you or him.

I'd be careful with this one. He's likely hurting as well. You two might open up old wounds or get attached to each other as a way to heal which wouldn't serve either of you.

I wonder what YOU would like to see if that happens? What answers would help you? Would it be a 'closure' thing??? Cause it could also be a couple people that get stuck commiserating, and really never move forward, which isn't a healthy place to live in....

I avoided doing this prior to the D for several reasons... I did not want to cause any drama that would make my D more complicated, I did not want to interfere with XH and AP's relationship (I didn't want any collapse to be blamed on me), and I didn't feel I was in a place to deal with anything I might find out.

However, now that I am in a better place, I am still curious about if he knew about the AF, about the history they had, etc. Lots of curiosity questions mostly. I'm analytical. I've found that I need to research and have some understanding of what things occurred. Probably the same reason why I have spent all this time researching MLC and infidelity.

But I think you all are right...at this stage, in my healing, it probably would not do me any good and it would just throw me back into commiserating and dwelling. I'm not sure what I'd do if he reached out to me first. But so far, he never had. The truth is, I'll never get the truth...right? lol

Anyway, I hope that helps provide some more context. Thanks for taking the time to let me know your thoughts. I appreciate them so much!

El